▶ Your Answer :
Opinions might be divided over
whether the government should consider environmental problems when they improve
healthcare. (둘 중에 하나를 골라야 하는 상황인데, 위
문장은 둘 다 가져가려고 하는 느낌이 강합니다.) People may take
diverse position on this controversial issue by the age and occupation. I side
with the perspective that environmental problems should be taken into
consideration for the following two reasons: first, solving environmental
problems can lead to the reduction in health problems. In addition, environmental problems
are big issues nowadays.
To begin with,
investing to release solve environmental
problems is more effective than improving healthcare. To be specific, the
better the environment is, the more people would
be healthy. What this means is to catch two birds with one stone. There are
many articles which reaffirm my viewpoint. A few days ago, I read an op-ed
piece from the Korea Herald that is related to the topic. The article described
the result of a survey, which was conducted by Seoul National University social
science researchers with more than 500 people as respondents. A government in
Korea recently made a new regulation about cars for decreasing to decrease the amount of the smoke. The
purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about correlation
between environment and health. Of the 500-people surveyed, over 80 percent
answered that they recovered from respiratory ailments aliments before they had been
suffering from before. This was the due to the
fact that limitation of car the limit on cars
purified the air in the region. This clearly proves that solving environmental
problems could made make a positive effect on healthcare.
On top of that,
environmental problems are more serious than we think in the modern society. The government have has been concentrating on healthcare for people for a
long time. However, they recently started taking an interest in environmental
problems. Thus, they should spend their time in environmental problems now. I
will bring up my personal story as an example. When I was a child, I often went
to a beach and enjoyed swimming without any problems. However, I recently had a
skin disease after swimming in that area. I realized that the ocean was
contaminated. If the government had solved the pollution in the beach, I would
not have this skin disease now. The same applies to most people who have this
problem like me.
In
conclusion, solving environmental problems, which are
big issues nowadays, can not only lead to will reduce health problems, but environmental problems are also
big issues nowadays. In this regard, I strongly believe that It is more
important for the government to focus on solving environmental problems than
improving healthcare.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
23 |
Overall
Comment: |
두 주장 중 하나를 가져가는 건데,
작성자님 서론에선 둘 다 가져가려고 하는 느낌이 강했습니다. 반면에 본문에서는 하나만 주장했고요. 문법 오류들도 있으니 위 지적사항들을
참고하세요. |
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