▶ Your Answer :
Without a doubt, schools play a significant role in many people’s lives in
many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that improving
schools is not the most effective mean for a country to advance, while others
do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were
asked to choose one, I would say that investing in enhancing schools is the
best way to progress a nation. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, investing in school systems can help citizens to learn
valuable knowledges (knowledge, 복수 단어 없습니다) such as sciences which are important components of country
improvements more efficiently (redundant). Students learn a variety of academic subjects,
and these are composed of basic concepts of high technologies. So improving
school systems is likely to allow citizens to have better knowledges (knowledge) of technology. For example, 20 years ago, Korea
needed to develop science technologies such as IT technology, semi-conductor
technology, bio-technology. So the governments decided to invest to establish establishing several Science-gifted highschools (high schools). In the special high schools, students were
able to learn and practice science knowledge more deeply and intensively. Many
of these special high school graduate stduents (students) entered the National Science
Technology University and consequently became very special science researchers
and professors. The invention of innovative smart-phone was achieved by one of
the gifted highschool students. Therefore, Korea can could get remarkable developments
in science. In this sense, spending funds on school systems can make a great
progress of a country and important to progress of a country. (redundant)
All
things considered, without any hesitation, I firmly believe that the advantage
of investing in schools far outweighs that of spending money on others for the
reasons I mentioned above. In this regards, the importance of schools cannot be
overestimated in the pursuit of progress in within a country. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 아주 잘 쓴 에세이지만 아쉬움이 많아서 점수를 깍았습니다. 첫 번째 바디를 서포트 하는 이유나 예시들이 아주 적절하였는데 문제는 이유가 딱 하나만 나온 것 입니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 보통 2 가지 이유 즉 바디가 2개 필요합니다. 작성자 처럼 하나의 이유로 잘 설명 하면 좋긴하지만. 주제에 이유가 2 개면 좀 더 사람들에게 왜 작성자가 주제에 대해서 어떻게 생각하는 지 잘 설득 할 수 있기 때문입니다. 2 개 바디가 있었으면 좀 더 나은 에세이 였을 꺼 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |