▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, money plays a significant role
in people’s lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people
think that a low-salary job that is secure is better than to have a job with high
salary that has have high risk whereas others do not. As far as I am concerned, I
would say that I prefer a high salary job to a low-salary job. Two ideas
stated below can be valid evidence to support my view. To begin with, if people earn a lot of
money from their job, they would show higher more high work performance. Sometimes,
money is necessary to get many of the things people want, including the
necessities of life and luxury items. When they are rewarded with what matters,
they are likely to put in more effort in work. A study conducted by the renowned
professor named John Peller from the University of Texas indicates that people
who earn money higher than an overall wage of people attain the goal of growth
of their company in a much more effectual way whereas having the same
accomplishments is somewhat difficult diifficult for people who do not. Likewise, his
research proves that my argument in the advantage of having a high-salary job
is convincing. 봉급을 많이 받는 직업이 안정성이 부족하더라도 '더 낫다'라고 보는 이유를 제시해야 하는데, 일을 더 열심히 하게 된다는 내용은 개인이 안정성을 포기하면서까지 챙기고 싶은 merit으로 보이긴 어려울 것 같아요. 단순히 봉급이 높은 직업의 특성을 이야기하는 것으로 보이기 쉬우니까 '이점'으로 보일 수 있도록 좀 더 내용을 발전시켜보시면 좋을 것 같아요. On top of that, having a high-salary job
enables people to improve quality of life. To be more specific, the more you
have money, the more you have chances to do what you want such as traveling abroad. Iin
the modern society, Also, money sometimes is regarded as one’s power. If you
have no money, you will be considered as a loser and be simply ignored. In the
worst scenario, there will be no place to stand. We cannot deny the fact that
other pleasures of life can be filled by having enough money to spare. I will
take my personal experience to elucidate my point. When I was a university
student, I worked as a part-time worker in the café. However, I could not earn
enough money and I used it only for my basic living. After graduating from university, I
entered one IT consulting company. This job was very lucrative so I used to
spend my money traveling to travel abroad and purchasing purchase presents for my parents or
friends. Furthermore, I could save spare money for my future. This makes me
more happy compared to the past when I worked in a café, which was a low-salary job. 마찬가지로 '안정성이 떨어지더라도 많은 돈을 버는 것'에 대한 주장이 아니라 '돈을 잘 버는 직업을 고르면 좋은 점'에 대해서만 설명하고 있기 때문에 논제를 완전히 커버한다고 보기 어려워요. 안정성에 대한 걱정을 불식할 정도로 '많은 수입'이 중요함을 좀 더 appeal해주면 좋을 것 같아요.
To sum up, I believe my explanations above
sufficiently verify the advantages of having a high-salary job. Obviously, the
significance of making people work more passionately and enhancing life’s
quality cannot be overemphasized enough for money.
Comment : 기본적인 내용 구성이나 설명-사례 제시의 구조는 잘 드러나지만, 단순히 돈이 많은 직업의 특징을 설명하기보다는 '안정성보다 더 중요하다는 점'을 강조할 수 있게끔 표현을 더 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같다는 생각이 들어요. 자잘하게 문법오류가 꽤 발생하는 편이니 proof-reading시간 확보하면서 연습해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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