▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the television
has not impacted people's communication. However, in my opinion, I believe that
the TV has spoiled discussion and communication among my friends and
family. This is because the TV makes people lose
their communication time in family and demolishes sincere friendship between
friends.
First of all, the
TV reduces the a
family's communication time. To be specific, after people work or study in
their place, their families get to converge to their house and have a nice
meal together. When they eat at all finish
eating, they just sit down on the sofa
and focus on the TV without having communication. (모든 사람들이 그렇다는 일반화는 피해주시고 많은 사람들이 그렇다, 라고 적어주세요) For example, my grandmother says said
that when she was a youngster, there was no
television due to lower grade of industries so her
family had a lot of time to discuss together. But, nowadays, as the Television has already
settled in our life lives, not only me but also other people have lost the
communication time in their houses.
Also, the TV destroys sincere relationship
between me (me를 쓰시면 지극히 주관적인 문장으로 보일 수가 있습니다. 차라리 one and his friends를 써주세요)and
my friends. When I went to my friend’s
house, we did not play with each other and but
just sat down on the sofa for watching the
to watch TV. This is what I usually do when I am
with my friends. On the other hand, before the
TV was introduced in our life lives,
people often went to outside such as cafes,
go watch movies,
and sometimes to watch concerts. A lot of people
said that It was a really great time to play
with each others, because they can
could have more interaction like to talk about a
work and interesting things around them. Moreover, It helps people having to have a great interconnection. Therefore, If we
live in the a world without the TV, I think that It would help people to build
their relationship more genuinely. (너무 극적인 주장 같습니다. TV가
없는 세상보단 보는 걸 좀 자제하는 세상, 이라고 적으셨으면 더 좋았을 것 같아요)
For these reasons, I think the Television has destroyed communication
among friends and family. This is why It deeply stays in our life (서로간의 소통을 망친 게 우리 삶에 깊게 박힌 이유라고요?) and we actually spend many
a lot of time to see the TV. Also, It destroyed the real relationship among friends.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
10 |
Overall
Comment: |
일반화를 많이 하셨어요. 또한
극적인 주장을 너무 많이 하신 것 같습니다. 문법 오류도 많으니 위 지적사항들을 참고하세요. |
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