▶ Your Answer :
Student’s intellectual, personal and social
development is highly influenced by the environment of the dormitory. With this
understanding, I believe that it is important for schools to build an
entertainment rooms in dorms. This is because entertainment room enables
students to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of life in terms of their
human relationships.
Firstly,
entertainment room makes allows students to relieve stress. Understanding the daily
environment of the students and the potential role of the method of relieving
stress is necessary to substantiate this view. For instance, many students have
to endure countless textbooks and read more even at their dormitory.dormitories. Such an
exhausting daily routine repeats itself and eventually wears down students. As
a way to manage the ensuing stress, students can enjoy entertaining
activities such as computer games or card games with their roommates in the
dormitory. Even if it is only for a short period of time, this frees their minds from the
intense mental pressure from their school assignments. In this regard, I argue
that entertainment room allows students to relieve stress.
Secondly,
entertainment room makes students to enjoy a better quality of life in terms of
by improving human relationships. (enjoy a better quality of life in terms of human relationships이란 문장은 어색합니다.) Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in South Korea
published an article in “The Korean Herald” last Tuesday which claims that many
students who live in the dormitory can develop their social relationships by
interacting with other students in the entertainment room. The article argues
that interacting with other students in entertainment rooms provides meaningful
opportunities for students who are struggling to connect with their class mates
classmates and peers. Essentially, playing entertaining activities with other students
promotes social activities that encourage students to openly interact and share their
views and ideas with one another. Such intercommunication builds a platform not
only to express their one’s own dispositions but also to share enjoyable
memories, allowing people to become more socially aware and ultimately help
students to enjoy a better quality of life in terms of human relationships. I
thought of this report because the results of the survey resonated with my
thoughts.
To
sum up, the schools should build an entertainment rooms in the dorms in order to improve the
quality of student’s life in the dormitory for the following reasons: relieving
stress and enjoying a better quality of life in terms of human relationships.
Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the
reasons I have mentioned above.
[Score] 25-26
[Feedback] - 학생의 주장이 또렷했고 예시로 잘 support 해주셨습니다. - 에세이 structure나 content는 잘 해주셨습니다. - 다만, generalization은 할 때에는 복수를 사용해주세요. Ex. "the school should build an entertainment room in the dorm" --> 이 학교는 어디며 그걸 구체적으로 말을 해주지 않았고 그냥 학교들 전체를 말하는 거면 복수를 사용해주세요. "schools should build entertainment rooms in their dorms"가 정확한 표현입니다.
- 문법도 minor한 실수들 외에는 큰 문제점은 없었어요.
수고하셨습니다~
|