▶ Your Answer :
Various
opinions may exists over the argument that how do you think the on whether it is okay for students to have a job while they are in school. I do not think it is a good idea for them. The idea below can be clear a valid
evidence to support my view. Students should study hard in their school, and they
should not work before they become an adult.(이 문장은 이유가 아닌 주제에 대한 입장을 다른 문장으로 작성한 것입니다. 이유는 - 학생은 공부에 집중해야 한다/10대는 학습에 최적화된 연령이므로 이 때 공부를 하지 않으면 필수 지식을 흡수하기에 늦는다 등 이 이유입니다. )
To
begin with, students should study hard in their school. They have a duty to
study hard when they are a student. Also, a government made a law that students should go to school until they choose to continue their study in higher education institution like college. (의무교육 관련 내용) have a right to study. So, the government should protect students to follow the requisites; students
have to study until they become 18 years old. In addition, there is a law that students
should not have a job until the age of 18. So, students are not able to have a
job including a part-time-job. (한국의 예시만이 아닌 전 세계 각 국에 적용할 수 있는 내용을 바탕으로 작성해주세요.) For example, when I was a high school student, especially at the age of 17, there were a lot of students who had a
part-time-job missing their class. Teachers of my school realized this situation;
they immediately visited my friends’ home and met their family. Teachers
talked to their parents that students should stop working and return to their
class to finish required education. By the teacher’s effort, my friends could return to school and stop
working. Also, they could avoid a punishment of the government. Like this,
I think that students should study in their school during their adolescence.
But some students might need to work because of their poverty. These students,
I argue that the government should support to concentrate on their studying. (주제에 대한 본인의 입장을 뒷받침하는 데 있어서 크게 관련이 없는 내용입니다)
In
conclusion, there are a lot of students to work in their job rather than to
study. (이를 뒷받침하는 내용을 본문에서 찾을 수 없었습니다)These students, All things considered, both the governments’ policy and
students’ duty supports me to firmly disagree that teenagers can have jobs while they are still
students. Therefore, I think that the students should study hard and do not
work during their adolescence, and the government should protect them in point of
law.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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LIMITED
|
LIMITED
|
LIMITED
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FAIR
|
FAIR
|
각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
|
- 주제에 대한 입장을 뒷받침하는 데 있어서 argument/reason은 최소 2개가 필요합니다.
- 기초적인 문법 실수와 짧게 끊어지는 문장들이 많습니다. 조금 더 생각을 구체적으로 펼쳐주세요.
- 주제에 대한 입장을 지지하는 다양한 이유를 고민한 뒤, 이에 적합한 설명과 예시로 본인의 주장을 강화할 수 있어야 합니다. |