▶ Your Answer :
Some people
might think it is more attractive job that to have secure job with low salary secure job than high
salary to have a risky job with high salary, because it is more safe. However, in my opinion, there are
more advantages on of having a high-salary job although it is risky. that high salary risky job. There are two
reasons; first, high salary is not important in this world, and second, it will
help people to save their one's time.
To begin with,
the world we live in now is controlled by the power of money. Whenever Wherever you go,
and whatever you do, money is prerequisite of your life, because you can do
everything with money all around the world. Otherwise, Moreover, in this materialistic
society, money is sometimes regarded as one's power. If you have no money, you
will be considered as a loser and be ignored. There will be no place to stand
in this society without money. We cannot deny the fact that other various pleasures of life can be
filled by having enough money to spare. For example, when I was in army, I got
poor salary, and I could not do something anything because I did not have money, so
could not live my life well. Also, when I had a vacation, I could do nothing and had
to stay in my house and even when I meet people sometimes, I could not get along with them
longer time because of money. But, after I finished my military service, I did a part time job and make a lot of money. After making a lot of money, I can could do
whatever I want, so I went travel, ate what I want, and gave some present pleasant to my
family. At that time, I realized that money is essential part of our life. '위험하더라도' 돈을 많이 주는 직업을 선택하는 게 더 좋은 이유를 묻고 있으므로 단순히 돈으로 할 수 있는 게 많다는 점만 설명하는 것은 좀 아쉬워요. 돈의 가치가 이만큼이나 크니까 위험을 감수하더라도 돈을 많이 버는 게 삶의 질을 높일 수 있는 확실한 방법이다, 하는 식으로 좀 더 주제와의 연관성을 드러내주는 것이 좋아요.
On top of that,
making more money can help you to save time. If you waste your time earning
money for a long period of time, will time wait for you? The answer will be no.
In the world we live in, time is gold. Since we cannot turn time back, we must
save time as much as we can. In this sense, dedicating oneself to dedicate in a high salary job is
worthy even considering the risky aspect of the job. I'll take my brother as an example. My brother is now working in his
office and making a lot of money, but I do not have money since I'm a student. Because
he has money, he bought his own car, and sometimes he gave me a ride when I was
late for college, and I think it is very efficient for saving time. It was
unimaginable until he entered his corporation, and to use money try to save time. Also,
he recently enrolled insurance to ready for his retirement. retire. Since people today have a long life expectancy, we should prepare for our lives after we stop making money and start to get some
rest. I strongly believe that this can be done since he can afford it, and earn by earning a lot of money make this happen.
To
sum up, high salary can help people save a lot of money, and make them to be a more important person in this society. In this regard, I personally believe
that choosing a risky job with high salary risky job is better job for people who live today. in nowadays.
Comment : 돈의 중요성을 설명해서 내 입장을 뒷받침하는 것 자체는 적절하지만, '위험하더라도' 안정성보다 돈을 많이 버는 게 더 낫다는 점을 함께 강조해주면 좋을 것 같아요. 글을 전개하는 과정에서 필요 이상으로 내용이 세부적으로 반복되는 부분들은 오히려 단계적 구성 면에서 감점요인이 될 수 있으니 주장을 명확히 보여주고 논제와의 관련성을 드러내는 방향으로 분량을 만들어주시는 게 좋아요. 어색한 표현이나 오탈자도 함께 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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