▶ Your Answer :
Some people like easy schoolwork or jobs. On the other hand, in my opinion, I think that challenging ones is are better for them than doing tasks that are easy. There are two reasons. First, challenging ones can give one lots of good things such as patient patience and know-hows. Second, this may give them have the chance to assisted other people and be get closer to them. First of all, I believe that challenging schoolwork or jobs gives people lot of important factors like patience patient, effort (노력은 주어지는 것이 아니어서 이 맥락에서는 쓰임이 어색합니다) and so on. To explain, people can learn to be patient and get know-hows by doing hard work (불가산 명사) works. Since it offers one time to think and deep consider (어색한 표현입니다), so these time will be effective for other challenging ones (문법적인 오류/어색한 표현으로 인해 의미 파악이 어려운 문장입니다). Imagine people only solve solving easy problems things (things 표현은 피해주세요), their they may might (may와 might의 차이점을 알아두세요) give up quickly when they meet hard tasks. For instance, when I was a freshman in university, I got an opportunity about to finish participate in a marathon. I never tried these things running at a marathon before so I just gave it a try. At first, it frustrated me. So But (So 로 연결이 이 맥락에서는 불가능합니다) I did not want to quit, I regularly run ran along the track and enhanced my ability of hearth strength by learning swimming. Eventually, I finished my the marathon on my own. So Therefore, whenever I face the hard works, I remember these memory this experience and get confidence and patience patient. If I gave up finish the marathon, I would never get these cherishable things. On top of that, by doing hard works you can question (단어 선택 오류 - question은 이의제기를 하다의 뜻도 있으니 주의해주세요. ask for help를 대신 써주세요) other people and get help from them. These sequence will closer their relationship This can make them to become more close to each other. People tend to be more friendly by solving challenging things together. And Giving help also can enhance these relationships. For example, there was a poll conducted by a group of psychologists with teachers as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus views about students whom the teachers were gave more care toward about. The majority of respondents responded that they liked students who ask a lot of questionsed lots of things. The reason was that by questioning about asking hard things, teachers may think thought that this these students was more concentrated more and more thought more about my the lectures and tasks. So they willing to help them. And teachers may give lots of things which was not mentioned in the lecture. So these sequence This example shows that working hard enhances relationships with other people also. To sum up, doing hard work will provide you lots of precious things without them. Moreover, it will enhance the relationship with people by questioning. In this regard, I firmly prefer doing hard works to doing easy things.
Score: Limited (1-16), Fair (17-23), Good (24–30) Comments: - 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. - 문법 실수들이 있습니다. - things 표현 웬만해서는 쓰지 않는 것이 좋습니다. - 문장을 And/So로 시작하지 말아주세요. - Patience & Patient - 순서대로 명사/형용사입니다. - 본론1의 마라톤 예시는 이야기가 마라톤에 참가할 기회가 주어졌다 - 처음에 너무 힘들었다 - 그러나 체력을 다져서 완주를 하였다로 흘러가는데 마라톤 중간에 어떻게 수영을 하고 체력을 다지는지 이해하기가 힘들었습니다. 중간에 "이 마라톤을 준비하기 위해 나는 혼자서 훈련을 했는데 너무 힘들었다" 이 내용을 넣어주셔야 할 것 같습니다. - 본론2의 의도는 알겠는데 예시가 적절하지 못한 것 같습니다. 예시에서 나온 선생과 제자와의 관계 개선에 대한 내용은 모든 사람들에게 적용이 되기에는 어려울 것 같아요. 예를 들어 한 사람이 다른 사람에게 계속 질문을 한다고 해서 관계가 개선이 되는 것이 선생과 제자 사이가 아니라면 어려운 것이죠. 모든 사람들에게도 해당이 되는 예시를 설명해주세요. - 제시하신 이유들은 적절한 것 같습니다. 다만, 본론2의 경우 설명을 조금 더 잘 다듬어주셔야 할 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다 :) |