▶ Your Answer :
There are some disagreements over whether
or not it there is more possibility for students with who keep their rooms neat and constructed to be
become successful in the upcoming future. Some people believe that the characteristic
with of being neat and organized is are indispensable to success. My view, however, is that
the inclination with to be neat and organized might be less important in relation
with to fruition. This is because the neat and organized characteristic is do not
guaranteed guarantee the accomplishments. Moreover, the society would require other
factors to be successful.
To
begin with, students who are cleaned clean and organized are not ensured their success in
the coming future. Even though students clean their desks and sort of the
their documents well, they might not have the ability abilities to work and socialize with
co-workers. This means that the ability in connection to connect with their company companies is
important because the capability cause the company to improve the profit of
company. their profit margins. For example, my uncle tended to be neat and organized. His
characteristics was were useful in his company. This is due to the fact that a lot of
coworkers had a tendency to depend on their caliber when they were necessary to
arrange a myriad of researches. (삼촌이 정리를 잘하는게 어떻게 co-workers들이 리서치를 할 때 머리를 쓰는거와 관련됬는지 설명을 해주셔야해요. 아니면 잘못 쓴 거 같은데 더 자세히 써주세요.) However, He was difficult it was hard for him to be promoted unlike
other coworkers, which was because he lacked the ability to work and
constituted of to a small percentage on of the total related to a project. As a result,
his tendency did not lead him to make higher salaries.
In
addition, most of the companies in the modern society view other factors when they
employ. Even if the neat characteristic is needed in cleaning a store or a
restaurant, most factories is not necessary do not particularly prioritize workers who are neat and organized.
This is because the neat and organized tendency would hamper workers from
concentrating on their work. Moreover, most companies should make an
affirmation the ability of job seekers immediately when they employ. (이 문장도 이해가 안돼요.문법적으로도 틀렸고요.) The
proclivity in terms of neat and organized should take a lot of time to identify
whether or not they are really neat and organized. However, grade or activities
is easy to make sure of. For instance, the Samsung that produces mainly smart
phones choose job seekers through the their resumes, written grades, and school. at first.
This means that students who weaken have low grades might not be employed at first.
Consequently, students who are only neat and organized have no opportunity opportunities to
make a lot of money because the society views more other factors more. [Score] 15-16
[Feedback] -무조건 어려운 단어를 사용하다고 더 좋은 에세이라고 할 순 없습니다. 정확한 뜻을 알고 쓰세요. 쉬운 단어를 사용하더라도 학생의 주장을 명확히 전달하는게 더 중요합니다. 지금 쓰신 에세이에는 너무 부적절한 단어가 많아서 이해하기가 힘듭니다. 제가 highlight한 부분 다 주의해주세요.
- 단수 복수 수 일치 주의하세요. - 현재형과 과거형 중에
한 개를 선택해 시제를 맞춰주세요 - conclusion도 써주세요.
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