▶ Your Answer :
Computers play a crucial role in our daily
lives. There is no doubt that technological advances have vastly affected
humans’ lives. Nowadays, computer games are the most popular topic among
teenagers. While most people argue that computer games bring negative
consequences to young players, I strongly disagree that children should not be
allowed to play them. ^
To
begin with, playing computer games aids children to develop their creativity.
The fundamental reason is that numerous games amuse young players by showing
intriguing storylines, and playing magnificent background music. Trapped in entrancing
story, teenagers consciously and unconsciously absorb the positive effect of
the game —— it
activates children’s brain by stimulating their sight and hearing. The
excellent visual and sound effects not only fulfill
their enjoyment, but also develop their brain and increase creativity. Likewise,
some computer games require solving skills to pass the rounds. It makes
teenagers use their brain, and also experience the sense of achievement. Tthe
exaggerated negative side of the computer games overshadowed many positive
sides of the games. Thus, computer games enhance children’s various aspects of
ability. ^
In
addition, playing computer games is a great way of teaching children to be
self-disciplined. Bulk of people believe that people, especially teenagers, are
easily addicted and not able to control themselves. Some of them are right, but
on the contrary, if children are banned to play computer games, the negative
effects will magnify. It will affect their personalities, and then teenagers
will resist their parents. Therefore, instead of banning to play computer
games. It is more appropriate for parents to supervise their children to play
proper amount of time. If so, children will learn how to restrain themselves
without not being allowed to play games. ^
For these reasons, playing computer games is not a waste of time. It has numerous
benefits, and affect children positively in other ways. In this regard, I agree
that children should be allowed to play computer games.
Good (24–30)
첫번째 본문 -이유가 develop creativity 인데 마지막에 various aspects of ability 로 끝납니다. creativity 에 좀더 중점을 둬서, 왜/어떻게 컴퓨터 게임이 아이들의 창의력을 높여주는데 좀더 자세하게 설명해주시면 본문의 coherence가 높아지고 글의 설득력이 높아집니다. 두번째 본문 -두 본문의 길이 균형을 맞춰주세요. -내용 괜찮습니다.
수고하셨습니다~
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