I disagree with the given statement and believe that the leadership is not an innate skill and one must learn to be a leader. + Intro가 지나치게 짧습니다.
First, personalities change over time. This is because our personality is shaped due to the environment we are exposed to. When we live in a society where everyone else is very respectful towards each other, it is likely that a person associated with that society changes to fit in. We as humans are so variable to changing situations and try to adapt to that particular society. Our personality, which is very much linked to leadership, could also be changed due to influential people that are around us. In my case, when I was in my previous school, I was a quiet student. Almost everyone in that school was quiet, especially in classrooms. However, when I moved to the United States, I found out that students are extremely outgoing and that students enjoy tasks that requires cooperation and teamwork. They have learned from a young age on how to cooperate and develop their leadership. While becoming a member of them, my personality has also changed and I was able to acquire great leadership. (리더십은 인간의 자질, 성격은 - 착하다, 나쁘다, 소심하다, 대범하다 등으로 다소 다른 category 이기 때문에 본 주장은 다소 정리되어 있지 않으며 설득력이 부족합니다)
Also, not only leaderships but everything else is also learned through education, whether it is primary or secondary education. Even an existing leader also makes an effort to learn how to become a better leader. We never stop to develop ourselves through education, and we enjoy learning and copying others' behavior. Although it may be true that some skills that each one of us have are innate, I believe that the process of learning is more significant. A study from the science department of Seoul National University indicates that 70% of our behaviors are learned from others and only 30% are due to inheritance. What is more surprising is that the percentage of education that influences us becomes greater as we get older. (해당 내용은 어떻게 증명이 되는지 구체적인 설명이 부족합니다)
+ 결론이 없습니다. 결론을 작성해주세요.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 주장과 1st paragraph가 일치하는 지 다시 한 번 점검해주세요. 환경의 변화가 아닌 교육의 변화를 통해 leadership을 배울 수 있다는 점을 작성해주세요. 또한 Agree/Disagree가 주제에 잘못 제시되어 있는데, 어떤 주장이 agree이며 어떤 주장이 disagree인지 나누어 intro에서 소개 후 본인의 입장을 밝힌 뒤에 본문을 작성해주세요. |