▶ Your Answer :
Various
opinions may exist over the argument that whether the government should invest money
one education for on younger children than to spend money on college students. As
far as I am concerned, I am in complete disagreement with the statement. The
two ideas below can be valid evidence to support my view.
First
of all, I believe that government funding for education for early ages is are not necessary. In my opinion, socialization and personality development is
more important than education on younger children. 이 부분이 이 문단의 요지에 가장 가까운 것 같아요. 두괄식 문형을 보여줄 수 있도록 문단의 요지를 가장 먼저 제시하고 설명을 연결해주는 것이 좋아요. I have a firm belief that
each individual’s nature is formed in younger period, and, as in the saying
“Old habits die hard”, this nature will not change easily once formed. So it is
critical that it should be carefully taken care of, and for such, money is not
necessary. I saw many people from younger period to older period, and for the
people whose parents did not cared about their children at all and only put on
the studies turned out to have undesirable traits such as being arrogant and destructive.
On the other hand, those whose parents put a lot of effort on personality
development eventually became more polite and self-controlled. So this leads to
the disbelief that the money should be spent for education of younger people. 성격형성이 중요한데 돈은 중요하지 않다, 라는 연결이 좀 어색한 것 같아요. 지금 내용은 오히려 어린 시절의 발달이 중요하니까 그때 더 많이 투자해야 한다고 연결하는 게 더 자연스러워보이는 것 같기도 해요. 대학교육에 대한 투자vs.유아교육에 대한 투자를 비교하는 문제이므로 '투자가 필요없다'보다는 '어디에 투자하는 것이 더 중요하고 의미있는지'를 설명하는 데 초점을 두는 것이 좋습니다.
Moreover,
I assert that the money should be spent on education of college students. To
explain, college students needs to be assisted with learning so they can get
the job after graduation. Today iIt is said that getting a job is hard these days.
But and it is not easy for many students to overcome this issue. However, if there
is monetary funding to assist those students, it can be used for more practical materials and studies that can help them getting the jobs, or also, something that could
help them directly to get the job, such as internship or working programs with the
company for the project. I can support this with my personal experience. In my
university, the university got the funding from the government to support job-related assistances. So one of the benefits from that funding was the
internship program. After the internship I had myself, it sure did improved my
skills for jobs and ,which was very practical. Another benefit that I had was the
special classes that taught how to improve skills for interviews and various
tests that I would have to take. Such classes helped me improve the weaknesses
for the employment exams. Those benefits eventually helped me get getting the good
job in return. So I suggest that financial aids such as that case are needed. 문제가 교육을 주제로 하고 있으니 단순히 대학생들을 지원하는 데 돈을 쓰는 것이 아니라 대학 교육에 돈을 쓰는 것으로 두고 문제를 푸는 게 적절할 것 같아요. 대학생 취업에 투자하는 것은 '교육'과 직접적인 관련이 없으므로 논점을 벗어나는 부분들이 생길 수 있어요. 대학교육 중에서도 실용적인 부분에 투자하는 것이 좋은데 그것이 '왜' 좋은지를 설득력있게 풀어내면 좋을 것 같습니다.
결론 문단 만들어주세요.
Comment :
어린이 교육보다 대학교육에 투자하는 것이 더 낫다고 보는 입장이 일관되게 유지된 점은 좋지만, 내용을 설명하는 과정에서 흐름이 어색하게 느껴지거나 불필요한 부분까지 cover하는 내용들은 좀 더 정돈되면 좋을 것 같아요. 초점이 돈이 필요없다는 데만 맞춰지거나 취업에만 맞춰지면 '국가의 입장에서 어떤 교육에 더 투자하는 것이 나은지'에 대한 답변이 되기 어려울 수 있으니 논제 내용을 염두에 두면서 내용을 다듬어주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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