▶ Your Answer : In Korean proverb, tThere is a saying that 'diligence in what you work is the best thing you can do.' in Korea. (굳이 in Korea 안 넣어도 될 것 같아요) However, in my opinion, this proverb would not be accepted by the public in the future because people will spend more time on leisure activities within 20 years. This argument can be corroborated from the perspective of government, firms, and workers. >space For the fFirst, in terms of governmental activities, there is a trend to lessen the amount of labour hours. For example, 5-day work-week got viral in most countries in the world, and in the governmental institutions instutions in the U.S. began to implement 4-day work-week recently to guarantee free time for the employees. In addition, the ones some of them in Korea also started to activate the same policy for the same reason. Looking at these examples, it is an undoubted fact undoubtful that this fashion will spread into the public soon.
>space Also at the view of business, leisure activities are taking the limelight. The number of travel and game companies is increasing as the owners found those industries profitable due to the growing interest on pastime. Even in Korea, there is a report that the number of what? has tripled compared to last decade. This example shows that the entrepreneurs are discovering new horizon of their business on leisure. 레저산업이 커지고 있다는 점에서 연결해서 '20년 후의 전망'설명까지 명시적으로 제시해주면 좋을 것 같아요. >space Lastly, looking at the side of workers labors, they are focusing more on gaining leisure time. Nowadays, the propaganda message of labor unions has been changed. They began to require more time to take a rest instead of promising more minimum wages. For instance, a full-scale labor strike was held in August 2017, Korea, the Democratic Labor Union, one of the biggest labor unions in Korea the country, petitioned 4-day workweek and flexible working hours worktime in order to enhance the quality of life of Korean workers by lengthening the non-working hours. This movement certainly proves that the public are is focusing more on pastime activities which will ultimately result in the increased time in the near future. >space In conclusion, as leisure activities are gaining attention from politicians, entrepreneurs, and labor-activists, it is certain that people will enjoy tons of leisure activities in twenty years. Therefore, I believe that the proverb shown on the introduction will be converted into that emphasizing the importance of leisure rather than working.
Comment : 질문 내용에 맞게 내용을 잘 구성해주셨어요. 20년 뒤의 전망에 대해 이야기하는 부분이므로 각 본론에서 전망과 관련된 요소를 좀 더 보완해주면 좋을 것 같아요. 첫번째 본론의 경우 '정부 정책 트렌드가 이러니까'라는 내용을 골자로 하고 있는데, 사실상 이 내용은 세 번째 본론에서 이야기하는 '개인들이 인식하는 필요성'에서 연결되는 부분이기 때문에 따로 본론으로 나누기보다는 오늘날에도 많은 개인들이 여가의 중요성을 인식하고 요구하고 있는 실정이고, 정부에서도 이를 적극 수용하려고 정책적으로 노력하고 있다는 식으로 녹여서 논리를 풀어주는 것도 좋을 것 같다는 생각도 들어요. 어색한 표현, 오탈자도 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |