▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, values play a significant role
in people’s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. There
are many important values to share with a young child such as being helpful to
others, being honest, and being well organized. If I were asked to choose one,
I would say that helping others is the most important value in life. There are
several reasons as follows.
To
begin with, when children join a volunteer work, it provides a chance to broaden
their horizons. A volunteer work exposes them to different lifestyles, customs,
and cultures. Such exposure is likely to help them to acknowledge that different
values exists , to understand this diversity, and ultimately to ultimate be comfortable
with it. 다른 사람들을 돕는 것의 가치에 대한 걸 가르치는 게 왜 중요한지 설명해야 하는데 갑자기 '자원봉사를 하면 배울 수 있는 점들'을 제시하는 것은 논점에 맞지 않습니다. For example, when I was eight years old, many people considered me a good
boy: I was always honest and my stuffs were well arranged on my desk. However, I
saw my classmate from Ethiopia eating his meal by bare hands. I felt very
uncomfortable and sometimes made fun of him since it was the first time to see
someone just like that. Fortunately, after applying for a volunteer work in
Africa and visiting it, I got used to this cultural difference. I realized that
we just had different eating styles. In fact, we had a lot in common in a way
that we all cared about our family and friends, were committed to our society,
and got hurt easily from what others say. other says. Now, I feel no longer awkward and can
make friends with them. 사례 역시 자원봉사를 통해 다양성을 배울 수 있게 된 경험을 이야기하고 있으므로 'being helpful to others'와는 관련이 없습니다.
In
addition, helping other people allows children them to improve their sense of
achievement. It gives them a chance to devote themselves to their community,
and thus they feel rewarded and fulfilled. A fulfilling experience tends to
prevent their lives from being meaningless. To illustrate, when my sister, Sujin, was in elementary school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life
became an exhausting routine since her schedule was organized by school. Fortunately,
she was able to make her life meaningful by lending a helping hand to her
friends. She used to study with her friends to teach something difficult, and
always stayed with and helped her unique handicapped classmate, Younghee. By
doing this, she was able to see positive results she contributed to. Many
people around her started to respect her, allowing her to be confident,
optimistic, and strong. 마찬가지로 다른 사람을 도우면 좋은 점에 대한 설명이므로 주제와는 논점이 맞지 않는 부분들이 있습니다. 논제 내용을 다시 확인해주세요.
All
things considered, the advantages of helping others far outweigh its disadvantages
for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, lending a helping hand
cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of happiness in life.
Comment : 'being helpful to others'의 가치에 대해 가르치는 것이 왜 중요한지를 피력해야 하는 문제이므로 다른 사람들을 도와주면 좋은 점이 무엇인지를 설명하는 것은 논점에 맞지 않습니다. 아이들에게 가르쳐야 하는 가치 중 다른 사람들을 돕는 것의 중요성을 알려줘야 한다고 보는 이유를 보여주는 흐름으로 내용을 다듬어주세요. 모델에세이를 응용해서 답을 만드실 때는 주제에 부합하지 않는 문장들이 생기기 쉬우니 유의해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우)
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