▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that getting advice
from their peers is better for people than getting one from friends who are
older than them. However, I believe that it is more important to get advice
from friends who are older than them for two reasons. This is because it
enables people to develop talents they never knew they had and become as model
citizens.
First of all, people can develop their
potential talents by receiving helpful advice from friends who are older than
them. In general, older friends can provide more helpful advice for other
people. This is because they were able to pile up their wisdom and knowledge
through dealing with businesses at work for a long period of time, and thus
they have more life’s experiences than younger people. As an example, I have constantly
received diverse advice from older friends, such as my sister and teacher. For
this reason, I was fortunate enough to not only identify my life passion at a
very young age but also meet the great mentors to materialize career goals. Once
received positively impacts from them, I could an set up my ultimate life’s goal and
achieve it, and became a chemist. In fact, I would have wasted valuable time if I
did not get advice from them. Therefore, I think that the advice of older
friends is more valuable for people than the advice from their peers.
On top of that, people could become as
model citizens if they can get good guidance from older friends. Most people are
tempted to doing illegal activities from time to time. They have to resist the dangerous
temptation, but it is difficult to overcome it solely. Hence, people should get
the advice and help from older friends who have diverse life’s experiences.
According to the survey’s result of Seoul National University, top school of
Republic of Korea, the study has shown that about 70 percent of Korean students
may feel tempted to succumb to drugs especially when they are in trouble. Since
they lack enough experience, they are likely to consider following the wrong
paths. However, if they can receive the advice of older friends, students can learn
how to fix their moral standards and match the societal values they learned
about to real-life circumstances. Through such guidance, they can resist the
temptation of taking drugs and grow up as good citizens.
To sum up, getting advice from older
friends is highly valuable for people because it allows them to develop talents
they never knew they had and become as model citizens. In this regard, I
strongly believe that people should get advice from friends who are older than
them instead of getting advice from peers.
Good (24–30) 첫번째 본문
-다섯 번째 줄에서, more을 씀으로써 older friends의 장점인 풍부한 경험을 더 강조할 수 있습니다.
-끝에서 네번째 줄 문장에서, 문맥상 과거에 일어난 일이므로 could 라고 써주세요. -또한, 앞에 문장이 기므로, 쉼표 뒤에 and로 한 번 끊어 주는 것이 더 자연스럽습니다.
-내용상, 왜 older friends가 동갑 친구들보다 더 도움이 됐는지 좀더 비교하며 써주시면 글의 설득력이 올라갑니다.
두번째 본문 -두번째 문장은 좀 극단적인 표현입니다. people are sometimes tempted to commit illegal activities 정도로 약화시켜주세요. 극단적인 표현은 공감대를 얻기 어려워 설득력이 떨어집니다.
문법 실수 많이 없으시고 두 본문의 내용도 보충할 점이 있지만 괜찮은 내용입니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |