▶ Your Answer :
For most people, friends play important roles in their lives. As
far as I am concerned, there are obviously many opinions regarding the drawbacks of
having the ability to make many new friends easily, especially, when they have a serious
problem (특히 심각한 문제가 있을 때 새로운 친구를 쉽게 만드는 능력을 말씀하시는건가요? 표현이 모호하고 이해하기가 어렵습니다). With that being said, I would have to say that people have to get an it is important for people to have the ability
to maintain friendships over a long period of time with although even though the number of friends people is small. The concepts of help and happiness clearly illustrate problems
of this. ('이것의 문제점들'로 해석이 되는데, support해야 하는 주장에 대해 왜 문제점들을 제기하려고 하는지 이해하기가 어렵습니다)
First of all, long period friends who I have known for a long period of time could can easily help me when I am faced with any kind of problems since we shared a lot of moments. Believe Trust between us becomes has become stronger
as much as the time we have spent together. According to some a survey (some survey는 문법적으로 틀리진 않았지만 회화에 쓰이는 다소 informal한 표현입니다) conducted by Korea
University, a lot of people thought that they could were willing to help their friends who
needed help aids in under some conditions. The main condition is was the periods of their
relationships. If it is longer than 3 years, they thought that they could were willing to help without
any guarantees for friends they have known for more than three years. In my case, (이전 문장과의 연결이 부자연스럽습니다. My personal experience also supports this) financial aspect of my family was insufficient (어색한 표현입니다 My family was financially struggling) to support
my high school tuition fees, I had a really hard time in my school days. Then However, my friends always helped
me and give gave me a lot of supports by giving me things such as bread and pens. I know that some people
might think that it is important thing (여기에서 it이 무엇인지알 수 없습니다) , the experience is helpful for my high school
life. the support from my friends really helped me during my high school days.
A further more Another subtle point we must consider is that having long
period friends make me can make people happy easily. We could can express our feelings more truthfully when we were are in conversation with old friends. Since it is more comfortable to talk to them than new friends they are comfortable better than new friends.
In my case, I sometime have a find it stressful situation in conversation withtalking to new
friends such as what kind of facial expressions to make how make my face, what kinds of subjects are proper to talk about for nice
moods. However, there are no I do not have to be anxious with old friends. Therefore, when I got get stress
from my work or routine, I usually spend time with my high school friends. I could can relieve my stress.
Instances of the same sort can be multiplied indefinitely (어색한 표현입니다). When taking
into account all these facts, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that
people need to maintain friendships with old friends. Although I must admit
that there may be some people who thinks that the ability to make many new
friends is more important, I strongly believe that no one can ignore the help
and happiness. (더 풀어서 설명을 해주셔야 합니다 - 그 누구도 도움과 행복을 무시할 수 없다고 생각한다, 로 해석이 됩니다)
Score: 11 Comments: - 제시하신 이유는 적절한 것 같습니다. 그러나 레이블링 많이 아쉽습니다, 본론2는 make me happy easily로 레이블링을 해주셨습니다. 너무 broad한 표현이에요. 조금 더 뾰족한 표현이 필요합니다. 특히 본론2 내용이 happiness보다는 comfort에 집중이 되어있어서 이 토픽 센텐스가 많이 아쉽습니다. - 문법 실수가 있습니다. 특히 could/can 관련 실수가 많습니다. could은 가정법/과거 내용에 많이 쓰이는 조동사입니 주의해주세요. - 어색한 표현이 많습니다. - 본론2는 마무리 문장이 필요합니다. This explains why it is better to have small number of old friends than many new friends.
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