▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who take it for granted that people’s leisure time will not increase twenty years later (어색한 문장입니다 - some people believe that ~ 표현을 대신 써주세요). However, I personally disagree with the above idea, it is clear that people’s leisure time will increase twenty years later. This is because by the development of modern society (정확히 어떤 면에서의 development인지 구체적으로 언급해주세요), will make people want to work less. Admittedly, many companies want work more and rest less than work (해석이 안되는 어법이 어색한 문장입니다). To be more specific, most of the people who live in earth are work hard at workplace and get stressed because of work stressful about their job. But, companies claim that it is not enough for their payment so pushing and push their employees to work harder. For example, my father, who works at a general hospital in Korea, said that majority of his patients suffer from extreme stress in from their jobs, because of companies that demand them to work harder. And one of his patients told me that his company is compelling to work more and harder (이전 문장과 내용이 비슷합니다. 아버지의 환자분이 왜 본인과 이야기를 하게 되었는지도 이해하기가 어렵습니다). This is the evidence shows that companies in the modern society of companies demand more work than ten years ago. However, it is sure that people’s free time will increase twenty years later. This is Bbecause some companies and governments started to implement policies related to “more free time and less work time” campaign which gives us twenty percent more free time and twenty percent less work time every week. This will give motivation for other companies and people (어떤 motivation을 준다는 것인지 구체적으로 설명해주세요). Nowadays, people are tend to choose company companies that give more free time instead of company companies which pushing your ability to the edge (어색한 표현입니다). And companies also try to handle (사람에게 handle이라는 표현을 많이 쓰지 않습니다 - 다른 동사를 사용해주세요) employees differently, such as by giving give them breaks more time often or making them leave work one hour early. In conclusion, I firmly believe that people’s leisure time will not (지금까지 감소할 것이라고 하셨는데 결론에서는 주장을 바꿔 쓰시고 계십니다) decrease twenty years later and many people will have more free time in their life. The reason is that giving more free time is a trend in companies and people do not want to work at a company that gives less leisure time.
Score: 5 Comments: - 구조를 - 본론1: 배겅 본론2: 주장에 대한 이유 - 이렇게 잡아주셨는데 본론1: 주장에 대한 이유1 본론2: 주장에 대한 이유2 이렇게 잡아주세요. - 어색한 문장과 문법 실수가 많습니다. 문법 위주의 공부가 필요해보입니다. 시간이 많이 부족하시면 영어 표현을 통째로 외워서 응용하는 연습을 해주세요. - 결론에서 주장을 바꿔서 쓰시는 큰 실수를 하셔서 많이 아쉽습니다. - 에세이가 조금 짧더라도 알맞은 구조와 올바른 문법을 이용해 이유를 제시하고 설명하는 연습을 해주세요. - 제시하신 최근 트렌드와 관련된 이유는 적절합니다. 그러나 더 구체적인 설명이 필요합니다. 무작정 "companies give more free time nowadays" 라고 하는 것보다 왜 그런것인지 예시나 통계를 이용해 설명해주세요.
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