▶ Your Answer : Some people might say that it is more preferable to go for choose a different job than a job from the jobs that their parents are engaged in. However, in my way of thinking, I firmly believe that you had it is better to follow in your parents’ footsteps for two reasons: concerning the fact that you can save money to start a business and there is less risk (less risk in doing what? 무엇과 관련된 리스크인지 풀어서 써주세요). To start with, you do not need much money to set up (set up what? 목적어가 필요합니다) since all you need to do is to take over the your parents' business and learn how to manage it well. Moreover, young people do not usually have enough funds to start their own business. In fact, they can even if they have the money, it is better for them to invest the money it on something else to make as it is likely to bring more benefits. To give you (회화느낌을 주기 때문에 에세이에서는 웬만해선 you를 쓰지 않습니다) an example, my uncle runs the a café business that his father handed down to him, which is a café. Actually, he wanted to open his own business at first and looked for a place for it (의미가 명확하지 않습니다, 어떤 place인지 알 수 없습니다. 단순 사무실인지 카페 위치인지 명확하게 해주세요). However, it was too expensive to start a new one, so he ended up deciding to take over the family business. He expanded his shop with the money he had and he made a huge success. On top of that, you (people) are more likely to succeed if you get your family business. To be more specific, you would receive a plenty of advice (불가산명사) advices from your parents, which are is so helpful for handling possible potential problems. For instance, there is a poll conducted by the Gallup organization with participation from around one hundred people 100 those who are running the same business with their parents’ as participants. The purpose of this survey was to check how many of these people fail in business. The result was intriguing. An overwhelming 92% had responded that not only did they keep their businesses running, but they had made more profits than their parents did since they added up advices (어색한 표현입니다 added the advice and the know-hows of their parents to their own ideas) and know-hows that their parents gave with their own ideas. Furthermore, they could have gotten (could have pp 문법을 확인해주세요. 여기서는 they were able to get through로 써주세요) through challenges well with their parents’ help. This survey proved that having the same business with the parents is a better way to succeed. In a nutshell, young people who pursue their parents’ careers can use their money more effectively and they are more likely to deal with future difficulties well, given that their parents could be great supporters. In this regard, I strongly hold that it is much wiser for young adults to go after their family businesses. 32mins 400 words.
Score: Off-topic Comments: - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 전체 내용이 주제와 맞지 않습니다. - 주제는 부모와 같은 직업을 선택하는 것이 좋은지 아니면 다른 직업을 선택하는 것이 좋은지를 묻고 있으나, 쓰신 에세이의 내용은 부모의 사업을 물려 받는 것에 집중이 되어있습니다. select a job in the same field as their parents는 '부모의 사업을 택하다'라는 의미가 아니라 부모와 같은 분야의 직업을 택한다는 의미입니다. 따라서 '사업'이 아닌 전체 '직업' (간호사, 연구원, 선생님, 회사원 등)에 대한 이야기를 다루셨어야 합니다. - 주제가 '부모의 사업을 물려받는 것이 나은지, 다른 직업을 택하는 것이 나은지'를 묻고 있었다면 점수는 16-18입니다. 주장을 논리적으로 잘 설명하셨고 적절한 예시를 잘 들어주셨습니다. 특히 다 쓰는데 시간도 엄청 많이 쓰신 게 아니셔서 굉장히 잘 써주신 것 같습니다. - 아쉬운 점은 이유1과 이유2가 서로 많이 비슷하다는 점입니다. - 문법 실수 및 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. - advice - 불가산 명사입니다. - 에세이에서 직접적인 의미(읽는 사람을 의미하는)의 you는 쓰지 않습니다. to give you an example -> to give an example, - 토픽 센텐스에서는 you를 쓰지 않도록 해주세요. - could have pp 문법을 공부해주세요. - 앞으로 주제의 키워드를 잘 파악해서 주제에 맞게 글을 쓸 수 있도록 해주세요!
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