▶ Your Answer : Someone Some people think that watching TV interferes in students' with
student’s studies. They say that students cannot concentrate on their study of
because of TV programs. However, in my opinion, watching TV helps students to
develop their abilities and do well in schools.
To
begin with, students can enhance their insights and outlooks through TV programs. While growing up,
students are immersed in by certain types of information and knowledge about this world,
through formalized education. Problem with this is that most of information and
knowledge is conveyed with the source’s viewpoint and students can easily become
shortsighted without having any chances to broaden their horizon. Therefore, in
order to have deeper views of the world, students need to watch many TV
programs and movies which contain various perspectives to this world. Students can
acquire lots of information and knowledge which they cannot gain in their
schools. For instances , students who are interested in our nature can understand
more about that by watching documentary programs such as National Geography. 관심사에 대해 더 많이 알게 된다는 내용은 '다양한 관점을 통해 세상에 대해 배우는 것'과는 거리가 있어 보여요. 더 적절한 사례를 제시해주세요.
On
top of that, watching TV helps students to release their stress. By watching funny
TV programs and movies, students can refresh themselves. Extremely competitive
atmosphere in society ins South Korea makes it very necessary for them to get rid of stress. This
means that many students here are dealing with excessive pressure which has
come from fierce competition for higher scores and watching TV programs can be
an effective answer to make this matter solved. For example, when I prepared university
entrance exam, I was exhausted due to stress coming from study. When I needed
to refresh myself, I usually watched comedy programs and movies. By doing so, I
could forget all the stress and concentrated on study much better.
To
sum up, watching TV helps students to develop their competence and relieve
their stress. In this regard, I think teachers and parents should not prevent
students from watching TV programs.
Comment :
주제에 맞게 모델에세이를 잘 응용해주셨어요. 중간중간 문법오류 부분들 적절히 수정해주세요. 문제에서 '학생들의 학업적 성공을 위하여' TV보는 것을 제한하는 것에 대해 이야기했으므로 내용이 좀 더 학업과 연결되어도 좋을 것 같아요. 넓은 시야 확보와 스트레스 해소가 학업성적에 영향을 주는 부분들이 있으니 이 부분들을 간단히 더 강조해도 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |