▶ Your Answer : Some people
think that student societies and club activities do not help students to
develop their abilities. However, in my opinion, participating in student
societies and club activities is very helpful for students.
To
begin with, students can develop their social skills, by getting along with
other students. Admittedly, more and more businesses require people who are not
only specialists in their fields, but also skilled in social interaction. In
the rapidly changing environments of science and economy, no task can be done
by a single person. Given the need for collaboration, social skills and team
spirits are necessary qualifications for any successful person. Clearly,
participating in club activities provides students with perfect settings to practice their social skills. By communicating with other students in clubs, they can
develop a sense of belonging and unity, both of which may prove to be vital in
building a more promising future. According to research from Korean Herald,
people who are good at social interaction are 1.5 times more efficient in
handling matters in their workplace than those who are not. Likewise, this result
proves that my argument in participating in student societies is convincing. 사교성이 있으면 사회생활을 잘 한다는 것은 주제와는 직접적인 관련이 없습니다. 학생들이 club activities에 참여하는 것이 이득이 된다는 점을 강조해야 하므로 club activities를 통해 사교성을 기를 수 있음을 사례로 뒷받침해주는 편이 좋아요.
On
top of that, students can enhance their outlooks and insights. While growing
up, students are immersed in by certain types of knowledge and information about
this world through formalized education. Problem with this is that most of the
information and knowledge is conveyed with the source’s viewpoint and students can
easily become shortsighted without having any chances to broaden their horizon.
Therefore, in order to have deeper views of the world, they should be
encouraged in joining student societies. student societies활동이 왜 다양한 시각을 제공해주는지에 대한 설명도 간단히 보완해주세요. According to a renowned professor David
Lee, students who are engaging in student societies have much more various
perspectives of on the matter and creative ideas. This result also proves that my
argument is profoundly convincing.
To
sum up, participating in student societies develops students' their competence beyond the
academic areas. In this regard, I think students need to actively join in club
societies.
Comment : 학생들이 사교성을 기르고 다양한 관점을 접할 수 있어 좋다는 주장은 주제에 적합합니다. 모델에세이를 변형하면서 논점이 맞지 않는 부분들을 더 정리하고 주제와의 연관성을 높일 수 있도록 더 발전시켜주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함)
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