Some people say that is is not important to know about events happening around the world, even if it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life. (주제 문장 그대로 복사 사용하지 마시고 paraphrase해 주세요) They insist that their life is more important than knowing the events around the world. However, I agree that it is important to know about the events happening around the world, even though it would not affect me. I agree with this idea for the following two reasons.
First, the biggest event during last few years was the tragic event where high school students were trapped in the ocean because of the problem within the ship. There were few passengers and a lot of high school students who were going Jeju island for their school tripby ship. On their way to island, the ship started sinking in the ocean for some reasons. The captain of the ship announced to passengers to not to move in the ship. Most of passengers thought they could survive, but they could not. Most of the students died in the ship while waiting for the help. During that season, a lot of schools were going school trip to Jeju. When i watched that breaking news, I thought everyone would be fine but many of them are dead; the whole country was so shocked. There are no disadvantage by that event, but nobody knows that it would happen again. We should be aware of the events.
- 본 내용은 한국에서 일어난 일로 happening around the world의 경우 세계 이슈 (시리아 내전) 등을 예시로 드는 것이 좋습니다. 또한 본 사건이 일어나는 것을 알고 있는 것이 "왜 중요한지" (다른 나라의 사건을 통해 우리나라에 도움이 될 수 있는 요소들을 학습할 수 있다 등) 가 주제의 핵심이므로 본 paragraph 는 off topic이라고 볼 수 있습니다.
Second, in my experience, I heard that Donald Trump became a new president in the United States (국가명은 full name 으로 적어주세요) during my exchange year. One girl asked me on how I feel about the new president, and I said that I do not care. By that time, I did not really pay attention because it did not have impact on myself. However, once I went back to my country and decided to study in the United States, it affected me a lot; the border was blocked for all foreigners to study or get a job. What I want to say is that the event can affect people later even though the event would not affect them now.
- 기초적인 문장 실수 (I am 을 i am 으로 적거나 쉼표를 사용해야 하는데 마침표 사용 등) 가 많습니다.
- 여기서도 다른나라의 이벤트를 아는 것이 "왜 중요한지" (다른 나라의 일들이 영향을 주지 않음에도 알아야 하는 것이 주제의 핵심) 서술해야 합니다.
- But, And 등을 문장 앞에 적는 것 또한 지양해주세요.
In conclusion, I agree with the idea that it is important to know about events happening around the worlds, even if it will not affect your daily life for the reasons that I have mentioned above. (mention한 이유들이 어떤 것인지 구체적으로 요약필요)
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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