▶ Your Answer : Regardless of East and West, the relationships between parents and children require deep consideration to understand each other. As time goes on, I think there are lots of tools for parents to understand their children more easily than the past. So I Insist that parents understand their children more deeply than parents did fifty years ago for the following two reasons: Developed civilizations help parents to understand their children in various ways, and in fifty years ago, parents did not live in the proper condition to take care and understand their children. >space To begin with, developed civilizations including advanced science and progressed societies are really good tools for parents to understand their children. Parents can make video calls via smartphones to talk to their children at anytime, and anyplace, and this means that parents can have more time and opportunities to know and understand their children. Moreover, developed civilizations bring has brought huge wealth, and people today enjoy this. For instance, prosperity provides parents free time to enjoy hobby with their children. During this hobby, parents can approach access to their children smoothly, and understand them easily. >space On the other hand, in fifty years ago, most countries had been focusing focused on rebuilding their societies that were had been destroyed from wars. At that time, parents had to work for survival, not for to buy birthday presents for their children. Procuring food, shelters, and enough food were the most significant factors in fifty years ago. So, parents could not give their attentions to their children, and it means they did have much less time and opportunities to understand their children than the present. >space In conclusion, some people argue that in modern societies, parents are busier than parents in fifty years ago, because most today's parents have double income, so they do not have enough time to understand their children than the parents in the past. However, I think 결론은 본론에 나온 내용들만 간단하게 정리해주는 것이 좋습니다. 다른 사람들이 이러이러하게 주장한다는 내용은 서론에서 간단하게 언급하는 것은 괜찮지만 본론의 내용을 정리하는 과정에서는 빼는 편이 더 나을 것 같아요. developed civilizations are is a windows of opportunity opportunities for parents to understand their children more deeply than the past, , aAlso, in fifty years ago, parents could not give their eyes to their children due to harsh conditions. For these reasons, I firmly state that Pparents today understand their children more deeply than parents did fifty years ago.
Comment : 과거와 오늘날을 비교하면서 어떤 점이 오늘날 부모들이 아이를 더 잘 이해할 수 있게 해주는지를 명확히 짚어주신 부분이 좋았어요. 글 전체의 균형을 생각했을 때 서론과 결론을 1, 본론의 분량을 1.5~2 정도로 맞출 수 있도록 내용을 정돈하고 보완해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 전체적으로 일관성있게 내용을 잘 서술해주셨어요. 보도자료나 실제 경험담 등의 사례를 제시하는 편이 더 점수에 유리하다고 하니 참고해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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