▶ Your Answer : Some people might say that children should be able to decide their time schedule on their own. However, in my opinion, parents have to plan their children’s leisure time thoughtfully. There are two reasons. First, it is possible to manage their time effectively. Second, children lack judgment. To begin with, parents are able to manage their children’s time schedule efficiently through their experiences. In order to cope with this competitive world, how to spend time is getting more important. Thus, people should spend their spare time preciously. For instance, there was a survey conducted by education majors in Korea University, with 220 elementary school teachers as respondents. The purpose of this survey was to understand their thought about children’s leisure time. A majority of them said that when deciding children’s free time, their thought was important. However, over 94 percent of them stressed that when parents controlled their time, the level of children’s academic performance increased. paragraph 2/3이상이 예시다 보니, 주장이 enough하게 전달되지 않았다는 생각이 들어 아쉽습니다. 물론 예시 쓰는 것도 좋지만, 예시만 너무 많이 쓰는 것 보다는 supporting sentence를 조금 더 쓰고 예시를 썼다면 더 좋았을거라 생각합니다.
On top of that, due to lack of thinking ability, it is dangerous to let children decide their own time. Because children tend to chase only funny things and pay attention to playing games, it can cause serious problems. (what serious?? and how?? 짧게라도 설명 필요합니다) However, the help of their parents can make up for their weakness. For example, two years ago, my cousin was always play games with his smartphone and computer whole days in his spare time. Because my brother, his father, emphasized children’s independence, he did not touch his son’s behavior. From that period on, my cousin’s sight has worsened and the level of sociality lowered. If my brother had managed his son’s leisure time carefully, it would have been able to prevent this bad condition. To sum up, when it comes to children’s education, their parents should play a key role. Taking time efficiency and children’s ability into consideration, I firmly contend that parents must control their children’s free time.
전체적으로 문법 오류가 굉장히 많은 편이며, 문장을 깔끔하게 잘 못 쓰시는 듯 합니다. 문장에 있어서 필요한 정보를 아직 주지 않은 채 갑자기 끝났다가, 다시 시작하는 등 문장의 이어짐에 있어서 많이 약해보입니다. 이러다 보니 흐름이 많이 끊기는 편인데, paragraph쓰는 연습 조금 더 하시면 이에 도움 될 것이라 생각합니다. |