| |||||
| |||||
|
It is debatable whether alternating the place I live in is not a good idea as people lose their close peers. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different depending on the individual perspectives. However, in my opinion, I strongly agree with the idea for two reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.
To begin with, people will get a lot of stress to become closer to an unfamiliar person. To explain specifically, when people are with their old friend, they feel comfortable, because they know each other’s characters and needs. However, if a person changes their habitat, he will meet a new mate instead of staying with his close friend. So there will be lots of things to concerning about. thus a person has to concern a plethora of thing Therefore, a person can gain stress gaining a lot of stress. For example, when I was a sophomore at Seoul National University, I participated in a survey with 200 respondents who moved to other places in 2 years. The purpose was to understand whether or not they feel discomfort after transferring to a new city. Undoubtedly, 90% of answered said they had a lot of difficulties making a new mate. Thus, they received a plenty of stress. This proves that changing living place is not a good idea.
On top of that, people can build more memory with their old friends. To be specific, if they move to an unfamiliar place, the time which they are with each other will be lessened will be decreased (동사가 잘못 활용 되었습니다). Therefore, the opportunity to make memory also reduced will also be reduced. There is an instance of my personal experience. When For example, when (앞 문장은 적절하지 않았습니다) I was twelve years old, I had a very close friend, called Mary. We were always together with one another. Someday, I went to Mary’s home and spent such a great time with her family eating barbecue, playing various games and dancing. A year later, suddenly I moved home to Seoul. So, I have not met Mary, since my house had moved so that I could not meet her to interact. This teaches me that staying in the same place as my friend can give more chance to make a memoir.
To sum up, people will receive stress from making new friends. Moreover, more memory can be built if people stay in the identical area with their friends. In this regard, I strongly agree with the statement that it is not a great idea for people to move to a new country because they are going to lose their old friend. will lose old friends
점수: 25
일단 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 줍니다. 에세이 플로우가 방해를 받다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 하는 의미가 변질이 될 수 있기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분 이외에는 전체적으로 자신의 주장을 잘 전달하고 있는 에세이입니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
예시 템플릿 중 설문조사 템플릿이나 연구결과 템플릿에 내가 참가했다는 내용으로 사용 가능 한가요??
아니면 그냥 연구기관 쓰는게 더 신뢰가 갈까요>??
요즘 연구결과랑 설문조사 템플릿 쓰면 안된다는 사람도 있는데 ..
personal 예시만 쓰기는 시간이 좀 부족한거 같아요ㅡㅓㅜㅜ