▶ Your Answer :
Many parents often talk
to other parents deeply about the teacher's education method. One of the
remarkable issues I have overheard in the vicinity of the elementary school is
that what is optimal method for their children between studying together and
individually. Personally, I think that teachers should require to work together
in small groups rather than to work alone following for two subsequent reasons. for the following tow subsequent reasons.
First and foremost, children can raise cooperation at the period. Cooperation is necessary
manners when they become adult. Remarkably, Childhood is a merely sole period
that they can get such abilities because they would be hard to make
company with other peers if childhood is over childhood is a period in which they can acquire such abilities, hard to achieve when they become adults. Thus, teachers should strive to
offer children an opportunity to work together. Following case is noteworthy in that cooperation in the childhood has positive effects for their life. For example, according to the data that were analyzed
by bachelors who were engaged in the educational college, elementary students who ought to do their assignments with their classmates was
mostly higher academic peforamnce than those who need not to do work them together. had a higher academic performance
Secondly, children
feel anxious if they are isolated. Many babies would cry loudly if they are far
from their parents. Albeit the children between five and ten-year-old feel
scary less than babies, they are still young age so that they might feel as anxious as babies if they are separated. For example, from my
vague recall in my childhood and mother's diaries and remarks, I could remember my childhood in the kindergarten ; I felt always fearful when I was alone
in the playground and class in the kindergarten. Nowadays, such fearful experience from which I had suffered would impact on negatively individual's
life. On the television interview, an expert who was engaged in pediatrics said that teachers prohibit
students from being isolated for long a time (이 부분은 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겟습니다).
To sum up, I think
that teachers should require young children to work together in small groups
rather than to work alone when learning activities because childhood is a sole
period to develop their cooperation and they feel anxious if they are
isolated.
점수: 23 일단 각 단락들이 서로 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 주기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 두 번째 단락 예시를 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 개연성도 부족하고 이유를 서포트 하지 않습니다. 따라서 좀 더 적절한 예시를 선정하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |