▶ Your Answer : Many people are liable to think that having more makes people happier than having less. However, in my opinion, It tends to be too much to say that there is strong a connection between happiness and wealth since that people will be able to live with gratifying what they have, even it is small, and they don't need to have anxieties about loosing what they have. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 굳이 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다) To begin with, people feel gratifying and appreciate what they have when they have small or appropriate amounts. That means, people People (that means는 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) who have less feel more content when they gain something small because they already have not much things do not have much elements. There was a poll conducted by The Ministry of Health and Welfare with 1000 people who are involved in low income level group in seoul city as respondents, The purpose of this survey is to understand How much the things they have affect their satisfaction of their lives and the result of the survey was intriguing.how much the wealth affects[ the happiness of life. The result of the survey was intriguing An overwhelming 80% had responded that they feel happy and they were not even eager to make money more with less possession. They just appreciated their surroundings and cherished what they have. This shows that more money cannot be directly correlated to the person's happiness. On top of that, people having less don't need to be worry about their things disappeared do not have to worry about their possession disappearance. The more you have, the more worries you have. The more people have, the more worries there are (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다) This mean you should be careful to a lot of things when you have the bulk of things. This type life will make you happy? To explain this I will illustrate my uncle's experience as an example. My uncle succeeded in his cloth business and he made a lot of money. Therefore He bought nice cars and huge apartments and many people were jealous of him. However, on Christmas day, I could meet my uncle and he kept talking about how he maintained his wealth well. And he was always worried about whether the things he have were stored well. With listening his anxieties I realized that people who have more possessions are not necessarily happy. In a nut shell, the relationship between owning more and stress-free is vague since people are unlikely to appreciate small things and have more burdens to keep their possessions. In this regard, I firmly believe that more possessions will not be able to make people happy.
점수: 23 각 단락이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이 플로우를 방해하니 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 너무 구어체 입니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다. 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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