▶ Your Answer : Some young
adults think that it is better to live alone as soon as possible, being
independent from their parents, while others do not. Both sides have their own
reasons to support the opinions. If I were asked to choose one, I would like to
say that living with their family for a longer time is more beneficial than
living alone. There are two reasons as follows. To begin with,
young adults can improve relationships among family members which might have
been broken before. The more they have time they spend together, the more opportunities they have
opportunities to communicate each other, which would be helpful to understand
what they could not before. For example, when I was a high school student, my
parents recommend that it would be better to choose Business as a major. Since
I strongly wanted to learn Biology, we often made a discomfort when discussing
this issue. Fortunately, I could deal with the problem with my parents after I
entered my college. I used to have a time with my parents by going to shopping
and watching movies. After sharing the same experience, we could communicate
with more calm feeling. After just few months, my parents said that they felt
proud of my decision to major in Biology. If I had lived alone as soon as I
went to college, it would have taken more time or even been impossible to
develop our relationship due to the lack of having time together.
On the other hand, living
with their parents allows young adults to save so much money and spend that
money on other practical things such as purchasing their own cars. Compared to
old adults, young adults do not have enough time to earn much money because of
the lack of working experience so that they have do not budget to afford to pay
for housing fees, tuition fees, and even feeding themselves. If they live with
their families, at least, they can save their housing fees which is one of the
biggest part of their purchasing. In a recent poll conducted by the National
Saving Institution in South Korea, 88 percent of young adults agreed that
living alone had detered them from saving money. They even had to get loans. In
addition, they said that they regret to alone as soon as possible because of
the high cost of housing fees.
To sum up, I
believe that there are more advantages living with family for young adults
rather than the disadvantages with the reasons mentioned above.
문장의 흐름에 있어 쓸데없는 부분이 포함된 부분이 많아보입니다. 딱 point만 말하고 simple하게 문장을 끝낼 수 있도록 proof reading여러번 하셔야 합니다. 문장적이나 문법적인 오류는 계속해서 보이는 편이니, 문장 쓰기 연습 조금 더 하셔야 할 것 같습니다. 또, 어휘가 많이 기본적이고, 단어가 많이 반복적입니다. 에세이에 있어서 많이 나올 것 같은 key 단어들은 동의어위주로 다양하게 쓰셔야 합니다
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