▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether the condition of the environment will not
get better in the coming years. This is an intriguing question because of opinions
concerning this issue can be different depending on the individual
perspectives. However, in my opinion, I strongly agree with the idea for two
reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.
To begin with,
people are too selfish about the environment. Especially, a lot of company will not
stop producing their products by their own factories which make a high range of
contaminants. I will take my friend experience as an example. My For example, my (i will take~는 구어체이기 때문에 적절하지가 않습니다) friend, Judy,
was a laptop company owner and had 500 factories in Busan Korea. Her factories
ruined the surrounding area because it created a lot of dust and dirty gas. So people
lived near the companies ask her to decrease the use of those factories. However,
she did not cease as she did not want to lose profit. (이 예시를 통하여서 말하고자 하는 의도가 무엇인지 모르겠습니다)
On
top of that, the government cannot invest for environmental conservation. The reason
is that there is There is (the reason is는 적절하지 않는 표현 입니다) a lot of sectors need money, such as school, poverty or social
welfare. Thus, it is hard for the government to give more help to the environment. For
example, last year the Government of Korea was required to provide more
financial support for the condition of the environment. However, the government
announced that they did not have enough extra budgets for environmental
problem. Since they were trying to support the military part for citizen’s
safety, they could not back up the plan.
To
sum up, people do not care for the environment for their convenience. Moreover, it
is difficult for the government to support the environmental situation fiscally. In
this regard, I strongly agree with the idea that the situation of nature
will not get better.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이를 읽으면서 각 단락의 예시의 중요성이 무엇인지 모르겠습니다. 예시 자체를 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 이러한 느낌이 드는 가장 결정적인 이유는 예시가 전혀 이유를 서포트 못하고 있습니다. 이유를 서포트 하지 못하다 보니 왜 나왔지 라는 의문이 들게 되는 거 같습니다. 따라서 예시를 선정할 때 이유를 서포트 할 수 있는가에 대해서 중점을 두면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |