▶ Your Answer : Some people think that people who have less things will be happier than people who have more. However, In in (대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다) my opinion, It tends to be too much to say that having less money makes us happy. This is because we are happy when we have something to give our doting family and It is hard to make a living if we have less. having less money makes people become happy for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유를 다룰 것이기 때문에 인트로를 장황하게 서술핲 필요가 없습니다) To begin with, people feel satisfied by making their family happy. That means they People want to give something to their family more if they could do it. This is the natural human trait and people in these days are working hard for that kind of reason, For example, there was a poll conducted by the department of culture at Seoul National University with 500 students as a respondents. The purpose of this survey was to understand how precious their family are. is (family는 단수 주어 입니다) An overwhelming 95% of respondents had claimed that they can do everything for their family. They said that it is always rewarding for them to hang out with their family and give good things. This showed that people could become happy when they had a lot and gave it to their sons and mother etc. On top of that, with small amount of money or things we can use, it is hard to make a living well and this make people feel bad. House, clothes and food are rudiments for people and these are crucial in earning a living. To explain this, I will illustrate my friends experience as an example. My friend and I was 6th grade in elementary school at that time. We got together all the days and played computer games frequently. One day, After playing computer game, we went to eatery to grab hold of something to eat. because he had less money, he barely ate something or even did not eat at all. He always said that being a rich man, he would eat everything that have great flavor. If there had been more money in his pocket he could have been happier. In a nut shell, It is hard to think that small amount of things can make family happier and put more bread on the table. In this regard, I firmly believe that the more we have, the happier we will be.
점수: 22 일단 전체적으로 이 에세이를 읽었을 때 든 느낌은 각 단락들이 주제를 벗어났습니다. 지금 이 에세이의 주제는 물건을 적게 가질 수록 더 행복하다라는 에세이인데. 각 단락들의 설명들은 이 부분과 전혀 맞지 않고 벗어났습니다. 항상 이유를 선정할 때 주제에 중점을 두면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 그래야지 에세이 주제를 벗어나지 않게 됩니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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