▶ Your Answer : These days, there are some parents who believe that teenagers do part time jobs because they think part time jobs can help their children have independent mind and provide them with opportunities to be mature. However, in my opinion, doing part time jobs is not the best way to encourage teenagers to prepare their adult lives. I will explain several reasons in the following paragraphs. for the following two subsequent reasons. First of all, it would be better if teenagers concentrate on their studying rather than doing part time jobs concentrating on studying is better. This is because the The (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현 입니다) knowledge they acquired from books or studying materials will remain in the future. Furthermore, they are likely to enter the great universities as well could go to renowned university, which means they can get more salary and live well-balanced life when they become adult. In addition, this knowledge will be helpful for them whenever they encounter the formal interviews such as job interviews. To be specific, a really good example is one of my friends, Susan. When she was in high school, she didn’t do any part time jobs while other students were into part time jobs did not do the part time jobs (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). Unlike others, she just concentrated on her studying and she got the highest grade among students in all semesters. After graduation from her high school, she entered a top-priority school and become a successful career woman who lives her life fully and meaningfully.
On top of that, teenagers could easily get stressed a lot while they are doing a part time job, which can lead to negative effects on teenagers’ mentality. This is because they They are in adolescent period and this means that they are vulnerable to stresses from outside which is vulnerable to the stresses. Therefore, what teenagers really are required is to get some relaxation and control their sentiments wisely. Specifically, a really good example is one of my friends, James. When it comes to James, he used to have a lot of part time jobs when he was in high school because his house economic situation was not good. Therefore, he had to do many part time jobs to assist his family. However, whenever he treated other consumers at his work, it was too stressful to handle himself to be nice. As a result, he got some mental diseases such as anxiety to people, which can make him hard to live fully every single day.
Hence, I strongly assert that doing part time jobs is not a primary experience for teenagers to prepare for their adult lives. This is because it It would be better if they study more in their teenagers and doing part time jobs might cause some negative consequences in a way. Furthermore, there are more great experiences or activities that teenagers can have on behalf of just doing part time jobs.
점수: 22 각 단락이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우로 하여금 방해를 줍니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에는 불필요한 부연설명들이 많습니다. 이러한 설명들은 에세이를 장황하기 때문에 간결하게 자신의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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