*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Education is the most important factor in mondern socity because it can lead people them to have better future. Due to the increase of concerns concerning of about the future. I strongly think that today's parents are more involved involve with their children's education than parents in the past. I will illustrate reasons more in details.
Firstly, the parents want their children to be success, such as they want their children to be live without worry about the money. Thefore, they are involved inlove with the education, in order to send a high ranking of the university. Thus their children can be able to get a high paying job in the future. For example, ezmaple my uncle, he is really reallt concerning about of his daugher's grades grade, because he wants want to send her in High to quality of high schools so that she can study under build a good curriculum in order to get accepted accept by some good university. Therefore, whenever she gets B on her test, he gets really mad at her, since B is not a good grade for my uncle's veiw point. This directly shows that why modern parents are really concerning over of their children's childrens's education. Since they want their children to be live without worry about future. 돈걱정없이 살도록 하고 싶은 것과 좋은 대학에 보내려고 하는 경향은 직접적인 관련이 없습니다. 흐름을 다듬는다고 해도 idea자체가 <모든 부모들은 자식의 미래를 걱정하기 때문에 더 나은 미래를 보장해주는 교육에 신경쓸 수밖에 없다>라는 주장이 되므로 '과거보다 오늘날의 부모들이 더 많이 관여한다'는 점을 보여주기는 어렵습니다. 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있는 idea로 발전시켜서 흐름을 재정비해주세요.
In addition, in my perspective, past paretns were are not really concering about with childrens' their kids' eduacation, but rather concerning with their children's personality and health. According to the Korea Univeristy's reasearch in 1979 years shows that 67% of the parents did does not concern concerning of about children's education, but they concerned concering about health and personality. They stated that the even though they children got get a good grade on the test, if their pesonality was is not good, then good grades were is useless. Since They were are more concerning concering about the good children rahter than good grades of thier child. However, after seveal years later the the research conducted by Korea University again reasearch shows that 78% of parents are more worried concernign with about the ducation sicne they want their children to get a good grades so that they can send the go to high quality of school. This directly, shows that past parents in the past were are not really involved invlove with their children's education as but modern parents do. 과거 부모들은 교육보다 건강에 관심있었다는 설명으로는 '오늘날과 과거 부모들의 교육에 대한 관여도'를 비교할 수 없습니다. 설명을 더 보완해서 오늘날 부모들은 과거만큼 건강을 신경쓸 필요가 이러이러해서 없기 때문에 상대적으로 교육에 더 많이 관여할 여유가 있다, 하는 식으로 흐름을 풀어볼 수는 있을 것 같아요. 단순히 하나의 사례 내용만으로 주장을 일반화할 수는 없습니다. 명확한 idea와 그에 대한 설명과 함께 <실제로 그런 사례가 있다>하는 정도로만 예증 자료를 제시하는 흐름이 되어야 합니다.
To sum up, nowdays parents are more anxious about eager with the education because they want their children to be a successful person people so that they can live happuly. while in the past parents are were more concerning about how to shape thehir childrens's personality. Thus, I firmly conclude that parents these days are more involved with their children's education than parents in the past.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (14–18)
***문법 오류가 너무 많아 내용 전달력이 떨어집니다. 시제표현, 수일치, 태, 품사활용 등에 유의하면서 꼼꼼하게 문장을 작성해주세요.
idea들이 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있도록 발전시켜주세요. 과거에 비해 오늘날 부모들이 자녀교육에 더 많이 관여하게 되는 배경이나 이유를 설명해주어야 합니다. 예를 들어 과거보다 생활수준이 높아져서 당장 먹고 살 문제나 질병으로 죽을 걱정을 하지 않아도 돼서 상대적으로 자녀 교육에 신경 쓸 체력적/정신적 에너지가 많아졌다거나 하는 식으로 구체적인 배경을 제시해줄 수 있지요. 모델에세이나 다른 분들이 쓰신 글을 참고하시면 idea를 구성하는 데도 도움이 됩니다.
채점기준 항목별로 어떤 부분을 더 보완해야 할지 생각해보면서 검토하시면 도움이 되실 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!