we should not expect people to be polite because the world nowadays is so busy and crowded.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Over the past few decades, it has been generally argued about whether we should not expect people to be polite because the world nowadays is so busy and crowded. Some people might believe that people can be well-behaved because their tasks today are very complex and busy; 일이 복잡하고 바쁜 것과 품행이 올바른 것이 무슨 관련이 있는지 모르겠습니다. Nevertheless, others might disagree with it. However, I am convinced that importance from maintaining people to be being courteous is important even though the world is surrounded with many busy and hard tasks and people. Actually, I have two specific reasons to strengthen my assertion. I will show and develop my personal idea as specifically as I can in the next following paragraphs: decrease of trust and bad impact of society.
off-topic 논제의 내용은 <오늘날 사회가 너무 복잡하기 때문에 사람들이 덜 공손하다>는 뜻으로 이해하는 것이 적절합니다. 즉 공손함의 중요성이나 공손해야 하는가 아닌가를 묻는 문제가 아니라 요즘 사람들이 과거보다 예의바르지 않고 공손하지 않다고 생각하는지/아닌지를 묻는 문제입니다. 논제가 요구하는 내용에 맞게 답안을 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 현재 글에서는 문법 요소만 우선 체크해드리겠습니다^^
To begin with, the works people perform at their job or in the school all over the world work make makes those who often show shows impolite behavior no longer be trusted. While people live in the world, it is necessary for them to form trust about what or how they are doing because they are working together in various situations and environments such as just like organisms organs in the human's body. On the other hand, if someone loses one's trust by doing impolite activities, it will have a negative impact on other people who work together each other as well as the culprit. To provide one of my personal experiences as an example of this. About 10 years ago, for example, when I was a middle school student, I had to do a group study with my friends in my school to get high grades a high-grade in the society class. it continued to proceed until a courteous behavior a friends of mine committed spread around all members of my group. 문장 내용이 잘 이해되지 않습니다. 전하고자 하는 내용을 분명히 할 수 있도록 단어 활용과 문법요소를 검토해서 수정해주세요. He had ever stolen some research data from his friends to do prepare his presentation preparation and get a good grade only for him. However, it was revealed reveal by his classmates in the school, which fell his trust down to into the bottom. floor. This event events was told to the current members of the study group in the society class and although past his impolite activity in the past was not related with his now member of the group now, most of members of the group except him no longer trusted him, which made messed the group's projects mess up because they conflicted with many situations doing their tasks for the group study. It clearly shows that it is important for people to retain well-behaviored although their works are very busy and crowded.
Moreover, performing impolite behavior can make their works rather be inefficient. People have been working in a group everywhere in a society and cooperating with anyone. Thus, their tasks are very related with others'. Thus, if someone behave uncourteously use to commit uncourteous activity as a member of the group in society, although their impoliteness is unimportant and insignificant, it will cause bad results and serious problems in the world. In fact, KSC, Korean Statistics Center in South Korea, conducted a research on the impacts of garbages put into the floor or road in the city. The research demonstrated that people put the wastes into the everywhere without using wastebasket. Interestingly, even though the amount of garbage garbages people put anywhere is unimportant and insignificant, it made tourists who came from other countries evaluate that this city was very dirty, which decreases my visitors to the city. This clearly shows that the more collected the impolite one's behavior is, the worse the group in the society becomes.
To summarize what I mentioned above, I concretely believe that polite attitude activity is still important in the very busy and crowded world more and more in that decrease of trust makes relationship of group in a society break up and impolite behavior people do can have an a negative effect on their group.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (1–16)
문법 오류가 많아 내용 전달력이 떨어집니다. 시제표현, 수일치, 태, 품사활용 등에 유의하면서 꼼꼼하게 문장을 작성해주세요. 문장에 불필요한 요소가 많으니 간결하고 전달력이 높은 문장을 구사할 수 있도록 연습해주세요.
문장 전달력과 내용의 일관성에 유의하면서 주제에 맞는 내용으로 revise해보시면 좋을 것 같아요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!