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It has been argued whether universities and high schools should teach students about specific careers and fields instead of general subjects. I agree that it is necessary for universities and high schools to teach students about specific careers and fields. (연결) First, it is helpful for students to get a job. Second, the attending rates can be increased through by learning about careers and fields.
l Concise하게 잘 쓴 인트로 같습니다. 정확하게 글쓴이의 의견과 뒷받침하는 이유를 나열해주셨어요. 다만, 제가 연결이라고 쓴 부분에 앞문장과 뒷문장의 연결고리가 있으면 더욱 좋을 것 같네요. 예를 들면 There are several reasons for my opinion 이런식으로요.
Most of all, if universities and high schools teach students about specific careers and fields, students can get a job easily. It may be better for universities and high schools to teach students general subjects in some cases. However, (연결). Let me show you an example to prove why universities and high schools have to teach students about specific careers and fields. There was an automobile company in my hometown. Indeed the company suffered every time there was a recession at home and abroad. (Indeed는 앞의 내용이 확실하다는 것을 말해주거나 뒤의 내용과 반대되게 말하려할 때 사용됩니다. 이 문장에서는 앞이나 뒷 문장과 잘 이어지지 않는 단어입니다.) Numerous companies, new and already existing, were trying to catch up. (무엇을 catch up하려 했는지 명확하지 않습니다.) Naturally, the firm started hiring only job seekers who know much about automobile field related automobile. Under this situation, I could get a job opportunities, thus I got a job in the automobile company. This is attributes to the reasons that my school taught information and knowledge about specific career and field. This proves that universities and high schools have to teach students about careers and fields.
l 이 문장에서도 마찬가지로, (연결)이라는 부분에 general subject만 가르치는게 좋은 것 만은 아니라는 내용을 포함해 주신 뒤에, example을 써주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 자동차회사가 suffer 했는데 numerous companies가 무엇을 catch up 하는 건지 문장연결이 잘 안됩니다. 다시한번 확인해 주세요.
Besides, education about career and field increase the attending rates. This is ascribes to the reason that specific information and knowledge about career and field is more engaged in real life lives. Therefore, students becomes more interested in their classes. As a result, the attending rates will be becomes higher. In At the Korea Research Center, importance and significance of career-related classes in increasing attending rates was studied. After being studied, (불필요한 수동태보다는 The result shows that 이렇게 능동형으로 간단하게 말하는게 좋습니다.) it was found that job-related classes are the most top conclusive and decisive aspect that contributes to increasing attending rates. The career and field education played more significant role on in increasing attending rates than anything else. This demonstrates that educating about career and field rather than general subjects is more necessary to students.
l 의견도 명확하고 예시를 적절하게 잘 들었습니다.
In conclusion, I agree that universities and high schools are should be required to teach students about specific fields instead of general subjects for two reasons that i mentioned above. First, students can get a job more easily. Second, education about career and field increase the attending rates.
Writing 0-30 Score scale
Limited – Fair (14-20)
Intro나 Conclusion은 깔끔하게 잘 썼습니다. 하지만 body paragraph에서 조금 더 focused 된 내용이 되면 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 주어와 동사 일치에 신경써서 검토하는게 좋습니다. 간단한 문법실수는 가능한 안할 수 있도록 연습하세요. 문장과 문장 사이의 연결도 조금 더 매끄럽게 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다 ^^