If people have the opportunity to get a secure job, they should take it right away rather than wait for a job that should be more satisfying
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Opinion might be divided over whether if it is possible, getting a stable job right away is better than waiting for a job where people find happiness. People from different walks of life may take different stances on this contentious issue. Personally, I disagree with the given statement, and there are two reasons that could validate my position.
To begin with, choosing a more satisfying job allows people to be more successful in their field. This is attributed to the fact that doing favorite things is one of the most fundamental assets to succeed. People usually put much effort into things that they like than into things that they feel obligated to do. In this regard, they work harder when they assume a position that they are satisfied with. 만족스러운 일을 할 때 더 열심히 하고 성공할 수 있다는 설명이 적절합니다. To illustrate, instead of staying in a stable position, Steve jobs started his business in his garage and worked on it day and night because he found happiness in his work, even though managing his own business gave him a high risk of failure. This enthusiasm made it possible for him to keep staying his career and led him to create many marvelous gadgets from Apple computers to the iPhone. In this regard, it is certain that doing what one feels happy about is the key to success although it may not seem so at first glance. 주장을 support하기에 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 안정적인 직업에 머물기보다 정말 하고 싶은 일을 해서 더 열심히 노력할 수 있었다는 부분을 강조한 부분이 좋습니다.
In addition, getting a job that they are satisfied with enables people to be less stressed. stressful This is due to the fact that 인과관계가 성립되는 부분이 아니므로 불필요합니다. People are often tied up with busy schedules and overwhelmed with heavy workloads and they do not have enough time to take a step back to refresh themselves while working. In this case, if they cannot find happiness in their work, they might be even more stressed out stressful and get easily tired. Therefore, staying with a job that gives satisfaction to them is one way to alleviate the one's stress level. 만족스러운 직업이 스트레스를 덜 준다는 idea는 좋습니다. 단순히 안 좋아하는 일을 하는 것보다 상대적으로 낫다는 흐름보다는 만족스러운 일을 할 때 왜 스트레스를 덜 받는지도 간단하게 설명할 수 있으면 좋을 것 같아요. According to a survey conducted by SBS, one of the Korean public broadcasting stations, more than 42 percent of the surveyed people responded that they feel stress stressful due to their job positions and are considering finding another job. In the survey of more than a thousand employees in the Seoul metropolitan area, the respondents said that one of the major grounds where they are stressed out is that they are not satisfied with their position. This clearly illustrates that choosing a job that a person feels content with is very important in terms of stress level. aspect to be less stressful.
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that people have to choose a job that they feel more satisfied with than they feel stable with.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–26)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 모델에세이를 활용한 글의 흐름도 좋습니다. 다양한 주제로 시간 내에 글을 완성하는 연습을 꾸준히 하시면 실전에서도 충분히 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!