(좀 더 general하게 주제를 좁혀 나가보세요 )Jobs are really important factor in our lives; therefore, some students prefer to get a job while they are still students. However, from my own perspective, students should not have jobs when they are still student, because it will not benefit be beneficial for their life. I will illustrate these reasons more in details.( intro 부분의 전개가 매끄럽지 않습니다.
항상 글 쓰실때 깔때기 모양 생각해 주세요 ) broad 하게 시작해서...주제문으로
First, student’s priority is to study, not to get a job and learn the life lesson from their work. ( 주장의 설득력이 떨어집니다. life lesoon을 중요하다고 생각하는 사람도 있겠지요. 공부가 전부만이 아닌, 누구나 공감할 수 있을만한 주장을. )Students should focus more on their study, in order to get a good grade for their class. In my opinion, if students have jobs, they will not be able to focus on their study, which means that they have chance to fail their class, since they are not able to focus both study and jobs at the same time. To be more specific, according to the Korea university research, 69% of student who have job, they have to re take the class, because they could not pass their class, due to not enough time to study for their class. Therefore, students have to simply focus on their study in order to get good grade for their subject. ( to부정사로 문장을 이으는것, in order to, 그리고 같은 단어 반복이 너무 많습니다. 여러가지 다양한 구문을 구사하는 연습 해주세요 )
In addition, some people contend insist that jobs will teach young generation to take responsibility for their action. However, in my opinion, they will not learn anything from their work. This is because they do not consider their job as seriously, since that job is not permanent for them. Therefore, they simply( 반복 삼가) quit their work, in order to enjoy their free time rather than stuck in their work place. This shows that students do not learn any responsibility from their work.( 주장이 설득력이 떨어집니다. ) For example, I used to work at the mall, and I saw a lot of university student quit their jobs easily, even some students never show up without notification. If students learn responsibility from work, they will not quit the job so easily. Thus, it directly illustrates that students should not have jobs while they are still students.
To sum up, student’s priority is to study not to earn money or learn life lesson, ( Stuying hard could be a life lessson ) and also they do not learn anything from their work, since they do not take their job seriously since it is not permanents jobs for them. ( 같은 구문 반복 ) negative한 이유를 말하는것보다 이러이러한 이유때문에 공부해야 한다로 문장을 전개 해 나가야 합니다. Therefore, students should not have jobs while they are still students.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (10–16)
기본적으로 독립형 답안은 읽는 사람이 필자의 입장을 이해하고 '설득되도록' 작성되어야 합니다.
입장만 제시하고 그에 대한 근거와 배경을 제대로 설명하지 못하면 논리력을 평가할 수 없겠지요.
- 논제의 설득력이 떨어지는것 - 같은 단어, 문법이 반복 되는것 - intro 와 conclusion 이 매끄러운것 에 포인트를 두고 연습해 보세요 ~~