Should enterprises put more money in advertising?
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is without doubt that advertisement has a significant role in business. But is it necessary for companies to put more money in advertising to succeed? A substantial number of people vote for the opinion that the most important investment for a business to succeed is advertising. However, contrary to the opinion of many people, I firmly believe that there is no need to put too much money on advertisement. Among countless factors, there are two conspicuous aspects as follows.
The main reason for my propensity is the fact that the effect of advertisement is not directly related to the profit margin of the company. Even though there were many sensational advertisements, we cannot remember the product of them it while we clearly remember the ads. ad. 광고가 이익과 직접적인 관련이 없다는 idea자체는 reasonable하지만, 설득력이 약한 편이고 그에 대한 설명 역시 부족합니다. 많은 광고가 있지만 사람들이 제대로 기억하지 못한다는 설명이 주장과 직접적으로 무슨 관련이 있는지 모르겠습니다. 광고 자체의 성공과 이익으로의 환원이 별개의 문제라는 점을 잘 드러낼 수 있도록 설명을 보완해주세요. To give an example, there was a very popular commercial of an orange juice brand. Everybody knew the commercial and because of its popularity, there was a rapid increase of sales volume of orange juice. However, unfortunately people could not remember the brand of the commercial. Consequently, the rival company had surgical increase of product sales while the company with the famous commercial could not succeed very much in sales. The case is not unique, it is typical of dozens I have heard. Therefore, we cannot say that advertising increases sales of product directly. 사례 자체는 주장을 support하기에 적합합니다.
For another reason, it has become human nature to distrust advertising so it plays more important role to produce products of good quality. Although an advertisement does have some impact on merchandize, the merchandize, for a business to succeed not only it requires need companies to put more money in advertising but also and to produce goods in good condition for a business to succeed. To only focus on the advertising is not a wise business decision. Besides, if there is any claim made in advertising which customers do customer does not perceive as the truth is a horrible waste of ad dollars. The consumers will not come back if the quality of the commodity is poor. Therefore, a company's investment should also go to somewhere else. 소비자들이 광고를 불신하는 경향을 지적한 부분은 아주 좋습니다. 다만 이에 대한 설명이 좀 더 논리적으로 정리될 필요가 있습니다. 반복적인 설명을 나열하기보다 꼭 필요한 내용들로 단계적인 구성을 보여주는 것이 더 중요합니다. 소비자들이 광고를 불신하는 경향이 기업의 이익 창출에 어떤 영향을 미치는지를 간단하게 설명하고, 광고에 크게 투자할 필요가 없다는 결론으로 연결하면 적절할 것 같아요. 설명 내용을 3-4문장 정도로 줄이고 실제로 내 주장이 맞다는 점을 보여주는 사례를 제시해서 설득력을 높여주세요.
Therefore I conclude that even though there might be advantages in putting to put much money in advertising, businesses we should invest money in more crucial things. This is mainly because the effect of advertisement is not directly related to the profit of the company. In addition, people have tendency to distrust advertisement, so that it is better to invest money in improving other significant things such as products or service.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
기본적인 idea들은 잘 잡아주신 것 같습니다. 설명 내용이 좀 더 명확하고 구체적으로 정리될 수 있도록 해 주시고, 두 본론 모두 각각 주장을 support하는 예증 사례를 제시할 수 있게끔 균형을 맞춰주세요. 과하게 내용을 덧붙여서 분량을 만들기보다 main idea문장/ 그에 대한 설명 3-5문장 정도 / 관련 사례 3-5문장 정도의 기준을 정해두고 시간배분 하시면서 간결한 <단계적 설명>에 초점을 둔다면 좋을 것 같습니다. 논리 구성만 자리잡혀도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!