Some people say that computers have made life easier and more convenient. Other people say that computers have made life more complex and stressful. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
In many cases, computers are considered as ones of the greatest inventions in human history. Without a doubt, computers have changed the way of our life to be sure. However, does that mean that computers have made our life easier and more convenient? As far as I am concerned, computers rather have made our life more complex and stressful. The argument of my view goes as follows.
In the first place, people’s privacy is being invaded infringed severely through the Internet. 다소 불필요한 수동태 표현인 것같네요. Internet을 주어로 능동태로 써주시는게 오히려 internet을 강조한 느낌이 들 것 같습니다. Today, there is countless personal information online and it is pretty easy for anyone to approach to that personal information. reaching others' private information이 쉽다는 것은 상당히 주관적인 진술일 수 있으니, <어떻게, 어떠한 방식으로> 그것이 가능한지에 대한 설명이 충분히 필요합니다. 예시에 나온 것 처럼 SNS를 통해서라든지, 전문 해커들이라든지, 아니면 기업을 통해서라든지 언급해주시는 것이 좋겠네요. 그리고 예시에는 조금 더 구체적인 사례를 써주시는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. SNS을 통해 개인 신상 정보가 유출되었던 사건/ 해커들이 은행 사이트를 해킹했던 사건 등이 좋겠지요? For example, many people use social applications such as Facebook or Instagram. The problem is that not only your family and friends can access your Facebook and Instagram but also people who you do not even know who they are can see them. Also, many companies can gather your personal information to promote their products and virtually, you cannot figure out how many companies have your information and how much they know about you.
In the second place, computers have become means of new crimes.<computer과 internet이 crime의 도구 중 하나가 되었다.> 보다 Internet bulling cyber bullying are ones some of famous crimes that many people have experienced and are experiencing right now. And, not only governments or big companies but also normal individuals are targets of hackers, today. They try to steal your bank account numbers or other personal information when you use the Internet. Moreover, according to related news, people sell and buy drugs and weapons online and the worse fact is that even teenagers can buy them via the Internet. Like these examples, many people have committed crimes through computers. 본론2의 많은 부분이 본론1과 겹치는 것 같네요. 충분히 다른 point를 강조해서 차이점이 드러나도록 쓰실 수 있을 것 같으니, 강조점을 달리해서 수정해주세요. 본론2에서는 굳이 해커들 보다 예시에서 언급해주신 다른 cyber crime들을 강조하느 것이 좋겠지요?
Computers have become ones of the most essential parts of our life. And there are many things that computers have improved so far. However, I believe that generally, computers have made people’s life more complex and stressful by the invading of privacy and lots of new crimes.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (19-23)
전반적으로 깔끔한 글이었습니다. 또한 논제에 대한 idea들도 좋았던 것 같아요. 위에서 언급한 것 처럼 본론1과 본론2의 idea들을 충분히 다르게 발전시킬 수 있으실 것 같으니 이것만 고쳐주시면 훨씬 더 좋은 글이 될 것 같네요. 수고하셨습니다.^^