It is impossible to receive true education outside school.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Recently, strong tide of education has rushed into Korea. Many education institutions, private academies have been constructed and many people are exploiting them. Not only Korea, but also other countries like in India, China or USA now are having education boom. By observing the world, I disagree that it is impossible to receive true education outside school for educational, social and technological reasons.
First, there are many private academies and tutors outside the school. True education can be defined as the true learning which can provide the precise and useful knowledge to students efficiently. According to this definition, private academies and tutors are fit for true education. They are employing highly intellectual teachers who are graduated from renowned and eminent schools. It happens the same when applying to tutors. Unless, they can not satisfy tetchy parents. 내용 흐름에 불필요한 문장입니다. Also, equipments set in private educations are much better than schools because their budgets are much more flexible than schools which have slow and bureaucratic administrations. For example, when I was preparing math exam in school, I felt disappointed about the quality of classes. However, when I learned in private academies my ability to solve math problems increased much rapidly than when I studied in my school. Therefore, private education educations such as academies and tutors, which are both outside the school, can provide true education to students. 학교 외의 다른 교육시설에서도 충분히 삶에서 필요한 지식을 배울 수 있다는 주장이 명확하고 그에 대한 설명이 대체로 잘 연결되어 있습니다.
Next, parents are other sources of true education. According to the definition of true education above, parents can also be appropriate for giving true education. It is because, they teach their children something that could not be taught by schools. On the side of learning internal personalities and ethnical values, parents are much more capable of teaching those things than schools. Children easily mimic their parents' behaviors. Also, they meet together face to face all the days so they have much more chances to learn valuable habits. 아이들이 부모를 따라하는 경향이 있다는 점과 면대면으로 마주할 기회가 많다는 점이 '왜' 교육과 연결되는지 설명이 필요합니다. [부모가 행동거지를 바르게 함으로써, 그리고 아이들과 친밀한 소통을 통해 윤리의식과 인성, 가치관을 더 효과적으로 심어줄 수 있다는 점에서] 학교 밖에서도 진정한 교육이 충분히 이루어질 수 있다는 식의 흐름을 생각해볼 수 있지요. For example, when trying to teach how to be just for students, schools will be in trouble with teaching the concept because one teacher is arranged for several students. They would find really hard to communicate 1 on 1 and teach the importance of being just. However, parents can easily root the concept of justice into minds of children because they have more time to talk and experience with. Thus, parents are also suitable to bestow true education to children. 공정함에 대해 가르칠 때 굳이 1:1 소통이 필요한 것은 아니므로 설득력이 떨어집니다. 또한 문단에서 설명하려는 부분은 인성적인 측면이나 품행에 대한 부분을 부모가 충분히 학교만큼, 또는 더 효율적으로 가르칠 수 있다는 내용이지 1:1교육이 더 좋다는 설명이 아니므로 논점이탈의 가능성이 생깁니다. 논점에 맞게 흐름을 다듬어주세요.
Lastly, technology enables students to experience many kinds of true education outside school. Since methods of transportation have been developed, students can go anywhere they want easily. Thus, they can go to various regions which can be historically important regions, museums, science affairs and so on. With this experience they can learn what they want easily and efficiently, which is the motto of true education. In addition, development of the internet allows students to research what they want. It can be an outlet of eliminating suffocating feelings occurred by circumstances that they could not find the information which engenders curiosity. The Internet also contains variety of information and its boundary is limitless. For example, when I was curious about relative theory, I searched through the internet and went to a science festival elucidating about the relative theory. My thirst for knowledge was appeased and I was so happy with that I can learn something that is not taught by the school. Therefore, due to the development of transportation and the internet, students have more opportunities to get real education outside school. 기술발전으로 인해 학교 밖에서도 무언가를 배울 수 있게 되었다는 설명 자체는 reasonable합니다. 다만 사설교육시설과 부모는 교육을 행하는 '주체'로 구분되어 있는 반면, body3의 기술발전은 학생들에게 가르침을 주는 주체가 아니기 때문에 글 전체의 coherence가 떨어진다는 느낌이 듭니다. 학생들이 학교 밖에서의 '경험'을 통해서도 충분히 교육받을 수 있다, 하는 식으로 true education을 얻을 수 있는 source로 main idea를 설정하는 것이 좋을 것 같아요.
To sum up, not only the school but also true education can also be provided by private education educations such as academies and tutors. Moreover, parents are also fit fir for teaching true education related to personalities to of children. Moreover, development of transportation and the internet makes make possible that students have more opportunities to grab real education. In conclusion, I disagree that it is impossible to receive true education outside school.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–28)
기본적인 idea들 논제에 대한 답변으로 적절합니다. 다만 글을 전개하는 과정에서 흐름이 어긋나거나 연결고리가 부족한 부분들이 논리력을 떨어뜨릴 수 있으니 유의해주세요. 문단의 unity와 문제와의 coherence에 중점을 두고 적절하게 흐름만 다듬어주셔도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 실전에서 시간 내에 분량을 만들 수 있도록 시간 조절 연습도 함께 해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 시간이 부족하다면 body를 꼭 여러 개 쓰지 않더라도(주장,설명,사례가 적절하게 잘 구성된 1-2개의 body만으로도) 좋은 점수를 받으실 수 있습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!