Young school children (from age 5 to 10) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, language, science, or history.
There is an argument over whether or not young school children (from age 5 to 10) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, language, science, or history. Some people argue that the children do not need to learn diverse subjects at that time since it is right and important that they should better for them to play outside with their parents and peers. My view, however, is that in consideration of young children’s the future, they should be needed need to learn a lot of subjects such as art, music, math, language, science, and so on. This is largely because young children can improve their academic standards by learning a variety of study studies. Moreover, they can find without any difficulty their talents and interests through many experiences which study lots of subjects at the young school. 서론의 기능과 큰 틀은 잘 이해하고 계신 것 같아요. 하지만 서론이 다소 길다는 느낌이 듭니다. 최대한 간략하게, key point들 위주로 분량을 조금 줄여주시는 것이 더 좋을 것 같아요.
To begin with, the children who study diverse subjects at elementary school will enhance their creativity and thought which means increase of their academic level. Thesis statement가 thesis치고는 너무 길고, 또 많은 생각을 요구하는 것 같습니다. Thesis는 누가봐도 명료하고 확실하게, 답변에 대한 가장 핵심적인 내용을 담고 있어야 합니다. 또한 Of course, it is significant to play with their peers and families in that period; 불필요한 문장입니다. however what they study diverse subjects is as important as having a good time with their friends and families for their development. thesis의 idea가 본론에서 전혀 전개가 되지 않고 있습니다. 음미체교육이 <어떻게,왜> 창의적사고를 개발시킬 수 있는지에 대한 설명이 전혀되지 않고 있으므로 보완이 필요합니다. A case in point is my cousin who is 9 years old. He was only interested in playing games and with their friends before he entered the elementary school; however, when I met him after a long time, I felt that my cousin definitely changed and developed because of boosting his behaviors that he became many curiosity about science and tried to analyze a mysterious question and drew imaginative pictures. In this sense, I absolutely thought that various subjects certainly help young children developing their creativity and thought. Had it not been for the experiences studying other subjects, my cousin would not have increased all everything. As the example shows, studying other subjects plays an important role in increasing children’s academic level. 예시가 너무 과장되어 있습니다. 분량을 늘리기 위해 불필요한 정보를 너무 많이 주고계시네요.
In addition, the experiences which study on a wide array of subjects will help to find student’s talents and interests for their future. Currently, most university students have difficulty finding what they want to do because when they were young children, they did not experience diverse studying at school. At that time, they probably would have merely studied basic subjects such as math and language in order to get good grades on tests. 논제에 대한 직접적인 답변이 되지 않고 있습니다. 작성자님의 idea에 대한 background를 제공해주는 것도 좋지만, 이것들로만 답변을 구성하면 곤란합니다. 과연 나의 설명들이 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있는지 더 고민해주시고 수정해주세요. In reality, according to a study conducted by a team of researchers at Seoul University, more than two-thirds of surveyed university’s students mentioned that they regretted not learning a variety of subjects at their childhood on account of their uncertain future without dream. 예시 또한 좀 더 작성자님의 idea와 연관성있고, 구체적일 필요가 있습니다. 단순 survey하나 만으로, 또 그것에 대한 피상적인 설명 한문장으로는 부족한 것 같네요.
To sum up, Not not only does studying art and music as well as math, science boost children’s academic standards, but it also help to find their talents and interest a little earlier.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (8-15)
우선, 논제에 대한 idea는 좋습니다. 모두 reasonable하고요. 하지만 그 idea들이 본론에서 전혀 전개가 되지 않고 있습니다. 답변에 대한 설명이 아닌 오히려 불필요한 내용이나 반복되는 설명이 많아 논점이 불분명해지는 부분들에 유의해주세요. 과하게 내용을 덧붙여서 분량을 만들기보다 main idea문장/ 그에 대한 설명 3-5문장 정도 / 관련 사례 3-5문장 정도의 기준을 정해두고 시간배분 하시면서 간결한 <단계적 설명>에 초점을 둔다면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 나의 설명이 타당하다는 것을 보여줄 수 있는 적절한 예시를 잘 제시하고 있는지도 평가항목에 포함되어 있으므로 관련 사례를 잘 제시하는 것이 중요합니다. (에세이 문제 자체에서 Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. 라면서 요구하기도 하지요)