Some people believe that if they
build a large factory around their place, it would bring many disadvantages.
However, I have a different idea. I think building large factory would bring a
lot of positive effects to community cummunity around the factory.
First, building a
large factory would provide jobs for the community. This is why people tend to gather be gethered
around factory area. For example, my hometown was very small city. There were
only few residents and streets were very quiet. However, after a factory was
built up around my hometown, a lot of people moved in came to
here and the streets became bustling with many people who came to my home
town to get a job.
Second,
recognition of the city where a large
factory was built on would be increase.
As many people gather gethered around the factory, the area around the factory would
be developed. And as the town becomes developed,
people will consider the town more positively than before they do. For instance, before my town became developed, people just considered my town as small countryside. (공장이 들어선 후에
town이 develop된 내용을 더해주면 좋을 것 같아요.) But after the development, people started to consider my town as a very promising city, and
furthermore some of them came to here to
live.
To sum up,
building a factory is beneficial to residences. It would provide afford
people chances to do work, and bring good reputation for the area around of the factory. Although building this can bring some disadvantages, if
people consider advantages too, they will make good decision. (마지막 문장은 전체적인 에세이의 주장을 애매하게 하는 문장인 것 같아요. disadvantage대한
내용은 언급하지 않는 게 좋겠습니다.)
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
논점에서 벗어나지도 않고 논리적인 이유로 support 한 에세이 입니다. 하지만 문법적이 오류가 조금 있고 오탈자가 많습니다. 에세이를 다 쓴 후에는 꼭 시간을 내서 proof reading을 해주세요. 철자가 틀려도 감점요인이 됩니다. 그리고 다양한 표현을 쓸 수 있도록 연습해보시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 똑 같은 단어를 반복해서 쓰는 것은 좋지 않습니다.
수고하셨습니다.