Some people might argue that building a movie theater should be prohibited in a town to maintain clean environment. However, contrary to this idea, I strongly believe that a cinema will have positive influence on the town. The fundamental reason behind this is that a movie theater can improve the quality of life and the economy of the town.
서론은 깔끔하게 잘 쓰셨습니다. 하지만 단순한 구조라는 느낌을 지우기 어려우니, 좀더 general statement를 첨가 해주시면 좋을 것같습니다.
First of all, building a movie theater provides local residents with enjoyable activities. This is mainly because a movie theater is full of a number of (myriad, numerous와 같은 표현들도 써주시면 좋을 것입니다.) interesting events ranging from blockburst movies to promotional fan meeting with movie starts. Thus, it is cultural and social center and local residents are able to spend time with friends and family members on weekends. Fromy my experience, I lived in the town where life was dull and monotonous. However, after building a movie theater, local residents could spend intriguing and happy time with others. They looked at fancy movie posters, ate delicious food, and shared their opinion about new movies.
완결 된 본문은 topic sentence- example - closing statement로 이루어져 있습니다. 그런데, 해당 본문은 closing statement가 없어서 구성적 완결성이 떨어집니다. 개인적인 예시를 드신 후에는, general한 주장으로 다시 이어주는 bridge를 놓는 것이 좋습니다.
Moreover, a cinema can improve the economic situation of the town. An important reason is that a movie theater will attract tens of thousands of movie watchers to a community. Thus, local business such as restaurants, coffee shops, and souvenir stores will have more and more customers. What is more, the job related to a movie theater will be created. For instance, my friend lived in the town which suffered from the economic recession. Fortunately, building a movie theater revitalized the economy of the town. This was because a movie theater provided local residents with a number of employment opportunities such as tiket seller and parking attendance. In addition, some business men bought several buildings and started family restaurants and coffee shops because the town became economically promising.
굉장히 설득적이고 자세한 글입니다. 더욱 좋은 점수를 위해서는 , 앞서 말씀 드린 것 처럼 예시를 주장과 다시 이어주는 문장을 쓰는 것입니다. 친구의 town같은 개인적인 예시가, generalize되어야 더욱 설득력 있어진 다는 점을 주의하시기 바랍니다.
In conclusion, without any doubt, I am convinced that building a movie theater will bring positive impact on the town. This is because a cinema provides local residents with a chance to enjoy various activities and develop the economy.
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
전반적으로 깔끔하고 논리적인 글입니다. 문법적 오류도 거의 없어서 의미전달이 명확하구요. 다만, 작성자님 께서는 본문 끝맺음 문장을 꼭 작성하셔서 논리적 완결성을 보충하시는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다. 좋은 결과 있으시길 바랍니다^^