Some people say that schools should invest their money in education facilities such as libraries more than they should on sports activities. However, in my opinion, spending their fund on sports activities is more beneficial for many students. This is mainly because most of students will be able to improve their health condition and social skills through sports.
전반적으로 깔끔한 서론입니다. 조금더 발전 시키기 위해서는, general statement를 더욱 덧 붙여서 글의 흐름을 자연스럽게 만드는 것이 좋습니다.
To begin with, investing in sports activities have a positive effect on improvement of students’ health. An important reason is that schools can provide students with a lot of opportunities to have time playing and exercising with many colleagues in a school. If students spend more time having sports activities in a school than before, it will allow them to reduce stress levels and to lose weight they have gained from ordinary life. This is very significant in today’s society because most contemporary students spend most of their time studying their academic subjects at their desk. Many of them tend to develop their mental and physical health problems and do not attempt to exercise while studying hard in a school. It is especially true when students are preparing to enter universities in which they are interested or making an effort to increase their academic accomplishments. So, in order for students to keep good health, schools should spend more money on sports activities. For example, when I was in high school, I spent most of my time studying so as to increase my test scores. This resulted in getting a stress. To make matters worse, I gained a lot of weight. Accordingly, I decided to join the sports club supported by my school, and I tried to exercise 2 hours a day. After participating in the activities, I could get rid of stress and stay in shape. Also, my friend noticed that I lose a lot of weight I had gained and I felt very good. I would not have been able to improve my health if my school had not tried to economically support the sports club.
논리적 흐름은 좋으나, 불필요하게 긴 문단입니다. 긴 글에 비해 사실 내용은 별로 많지 않습니다. 문장들이 계속해서 반복되기 때문입니다. 자신의 개인적인 예시로 넘어가기 전 general statement부분은 사실 두 문장으로 요약될 수 있습니다. 1. 운동을 하면 physical, psychological problem을 해결한다 2. 이것은 특히나 현대 사회 학생들에게 중요하다. 이렇게 두문장만 쓰면 될 얘기를 불필요하게 반복하다보니, 글의 전달력이 떨어지고 글 솜씨가 미숙해 보입니다. 글자수를 채우기 위한 에세이 보다, 간단하고 명확하게 전달 하는 에세이들을 쓰셔야 합니다.
On top of that, sports activities are beneficial for many students trying to increase their social skills. When they are in a school, it is very crucial for them to improve their interpersonal skills in order to have good relationship between their colleagues. Taking sports activities help them to have chances to communicate with others or even with unknown people, which can lead to extension of knowledge by comparing and contrasting their opinions. Moreover, this capacity is considered fairly important factor by many universities when they select students who applied to their universities. That is, it is not too much to say that many students would not be able to join the university in which they are interested without social skills. A recent research at the Korean department of Education has shown that students want schools to support sports activities because they can have opportunities to collaborate with many other people. Researchers conducted a poll, and 88 percent of respondents revealed that social skills are a key factor to get admission into the university. And when asked what the best way to improve these skills during the school life is, 77 percent responded that sports activities are regarded as the perfect solution. In addition, the overwhelming majority said that developing interpersonal skills is one of the effective ways to broaden students’ knowledge levels by communicating with their colleagues. This offers strong proof that sports activities should be economically supported by many schools.
마찬가지로, 왜 이 문단에 필요한지 이유를 알 수 없는 내용들이 과도하게 많이 있습니다. general statement는 다음과 같이 작성하시면 됩니다. 1. 체육활동은 사회성을 길러준다 2. 현대사회에서 사회성은 취직할 때 경쟁력을 키워주는 요소이다. 이 두문장만 쓰셔도 충분히 논리적입니다. 또한, 예시 부분도 불필요하게 많은 내용이 있습니다. 수치 부분을 간소화 하여, 주제와 긴밀한 부분을 강조하시기 바랍니다.
To sum up, financially supporting the sports activities in a school encourages many students to improve their health condition and interpersonal skills. In this regard, I firmly believe that school should invest more in sports activities than in educational activities
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (18-23)
논리력도 좋으며 문법 실수도 거의 없습니다. 그런데, 불필요하게 글이 늘어짐으로서 그러한 장점들이 눈에 잘 보이지 않습니다. 과도하게 긴 글은, 주장 전달력을 떨어 트립니다. 문법적 오류를 범할 가능성을 높이기도 하구요. 이 외에도, 많은 단점들이 있으니 반복되는 문장을 과함히 삭제하시고, 제가 앞서 말씀드린 문장들 처럼 간단 명료하게 작성하시는 습관 기르시기 바랍니다. 수고하셨습니다.