It is evident that in our current
society subjects of high school have a tremendous
importance in our lives. Some people think that being allowed to choose which
subjects they wil to study is better, while others do not. I however, believe that
being allowed to choose which their
subjects to take is better. There are several
reasons that I could use to support my argument so I will limit my reasoning to
the two that I feel are the most relevant to the topic. First, students can be
successful. Also, people can receive stress. (대게 주장에 대한 이유를 쓸 때에는 주장하는 내용을 하게
되면 어떤 상황이 오는지 쓰는 게 좋습니다. 스트레스를 받는다는 것은 주로 negative한 내용이기 때문에 스스로가 과목을 선택했을 때 스트레스받는 일이 적다는 식으로 쓰는 것이 좋을
것 같습니다.)
First of all, the most important reason for my feeling this
way is that students can become success. Commonly in society, many accomplished
people tend to have more expertise. Therefore, it can be said that it is good
for students to be allowed to choose which subjects they will study because
students can gain more expertise. A really good example can be seen in Ryan
Kim. I read an online article that Kim, the CEO
of speaking factory, achieved great success because he had took subjects which he can
select subjects himself during his high
school years. Kim, using his communication
skills, transformed his company into one of the most profitable education
enterprise in Korea. When he was a high school student, he liked Social science. And his
school made it possible for students to choose which subjects they want to will study so he could
focus on Social
science. This helped him learn how to communicate with his coworkers. This result clearly
shows that selecting having select subjects is very effective in
terms of because
of success.
Second, another reason which proves my point is that people can
receive stress. Most
often, stress is
generally very important in our everyday lives because of health problem. If
high school students are
not allowed to choose their subjects should
not allowed that,
students will receive too much stress which can cause anxiety issues. This
reminds me of a time when I was a sophomore in high school. It was not effective that should
not be allowed that because I struggled from stress. (전반적인 문장구조가 어색합니다. 수정이 필요해요. It was not ~ that~ 구조를 쓴다면 that이하를 진주어로
볼 수 있는데 그런경우 that 이하에 완전한 절이 와야합니다. 주어가
필요해요. 그리고 allowed다음에도 to~ 를 써서 무엇을 하지 못하게 했다고 쓰는 게 좋습니다.) I did not like math and math
teacher, math teacher yelled at me for every question when I got wrong. I did not have ability in math math’s ability. When I got the math home worker, I received so much stress that I
could not sleep for a
while each the day due to insomnia. (got the math home
worker 이라는 것이 무슨
뜻인지 알 수 없습니다. 수정해주세요.) I received too much pressure
from my math teacher. As experience clearly shows that it is less effective if students are prohibited from
selecting what they want to take during their high school years. less more effective that students should not
allowed to choose which subjects they will study because of stress.
All things considered, with reasons mentioned above, I believe that I have sufficiently and adequately explained my position on matters this topic.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited-Fair (13-20)
전반적으로 노력이 보이는 에세이 입니다. 하지만 두번째 이유를 쓸 때, 전체적인 에세이의 thesis에 반대되는 내용을 쓰기 보다는 thesis에 따라 ~을 할 경우 어떤한 상황이 온다고 쓰는 것이 좋기 때문에, stress를 적게 받는다는 내용이 오면 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 문법적으로 조금 신경을 쓰는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다. 기본적인 문장구성에 신경쓰면서 문장을 써 보는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다~