Young people should try several different jobs before deciding what career to have in the long term.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There is an argument over whether the young men and women should try some different occupations before making a decision on what career to have in the long term. Some people believe that it is not necessary to get some dissimilar jobs in one’s success for a job. My view, however, is that it is important for youth to try out several different works. This is largely because one's own choice standard for career choice is offered to people who experience some jobs. Moreover, trying out several various occupations is good for your work experience.
To begin with, you can make standard of choice when you choose your long term job. 직업선택의 기준을 갖춰서 결과적으로는 만족스러운 long-term job을 갖게 되므로 이 부분을 main idea로 제시해도 좋을 것 같아요.If you experience some different jobs, you would feel whether which job is good for you or which job should be avoided, which is instrumental in deciding a career in the long time. If you had made a decision on an exhausting job as your real job, you would have had a terrible life. 힘든 직업을 선택했다면 힘들었을 것이다, 라는 내용은 사실상 불필요합니다. 여러 직업을 경험함으로써 정말 잘 맞는 직업을 찾을 수 있게 된다는 점만 드러나면 되므로 삭제하는 편이 좋습니다. For example, when she was in high school, my sister experienced many jobs. The best hated job was a cafe manager. She looked so tired because she did not like coffee the smell of coffee in a cafe. She got a better choice for her longer job because she decided her job except a cafe manager. Therefore, when people plan their long time job, trying several dissimilar jobs can help people to make standard of choice. 커피냄새를 싫어한다는 것을 깨닫고 카페매니저는 하지 않기로 했다는 내용은 다소 빈약해보입니다. <여러 직업을 경험해보니 사람을 관리하는 일에는 취약하고 대신 이러이러한 점에는 뛰어나다는 것을 깨달았다, 이 장점을 살려 알맞은 조건의 이런이런 직업을 선택하니 만족스럽게 일한다>하는 식으로 좀 더 내용을 구체화해주면 좋을 것 같아요.
Furthermore, it can be useful for work experience. 문단이 새로 시작되는 부분이므로 대명사 it이 아닌 키워드를 활용해주는 것이 좋습니다. When you undergo some diverse jobs, you could think that one job is nice for you. You could enter the industry of the job. At your job experience, a supervisor with you can give helpful advice. Even he can write a letter of recommendation for you. 다양한 직업경험이 왜 조언과 추천서로 이어지는지 잘 모르겠습니다. 직업 중 알맞은 곳이나 내가 잘 해서 얻게 되는 이득이 아니라 말 그대로 '다양한 직업 경험' 자체가 주는 이점을 연결해주세요. For example, when I was in college, I worked in a local restaurant. I wanted to get a full time job of a restaurant because I realized that I would shine myself if I work as a restaurant manager. Thus, I got advice from my supervisor. It was really helpful for me on the grounds that my low trial and error results from getting useful advice. As a result, I got the benefits of reputation as a prominent restaurant manager and high income. Therefore, it can be helpful if you try several various jobs before getting a long term job. 마찬가지로 다양한 직업을 경험해본 덕분이 아니라 레스토랑에서 일하는 것이 잘 맞아서 레스토랑에서 일하게 된 경험에 지나지 않습니다. 논제와 연관성을 가진 사례 내용을 제시해주세요.
To summarize, it is good for you to attempt many jobs for deciding a long term job. This is because people can get their long term time job choice standard. In addition, one can take help for his job experience if he got some experience for diverse jobs.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (14–19)
주장을 설명하는 과정에서 논점이 어긋나지 않도록 유의해주세요. 사례 내용 역시 topic과 연관성을 충분히 보여줄 수 있는 내용을 제시해서 설득력을 높일 수 있도록 신경써주시는 게 좋습니다. 문법 오류가 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!