Based on their experiences and understanding of the world, some people might say that People should seek ambitious dreams rather than realistic goals. It is obvious that the opinions of people with different standards might diverge. However I believe that it is more beneficial for people to seek realistic goals than ambitious dreams. My claim will be validated by the two reasons that I will provide below.
The first ground for my argument is that people need to spend leisure time with their family. One of the most important things in life is family relationship. It is worthwhile for people to desire ambitious dreams to accomplish their purpose, but they cannot have spare time with a loved one. However, if people pursue realistic goals not to be arduous, (힘들지 않게 realistic goal을 좇는다는 건 조금 어색한 것 같아요) then they would have a little free time, which allows them to have a fun time and build strong bonds with their family. As shown through this example, it is clear that setting realistic goals is rewarding for a number of people.
l Realistic goal을 세워야 하는 이유는 가족관계를 위해서라기 보다는 여가시간을 위해서라고 쓰는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 realistic goal을 세우면 그 목표를 이루고 나서 시간이 날 것이라는 점도 서술한다면 좀 더 자연스럽게 이어지는 에세이가 될 것 같아요.
Additional support for my claim is that people nowadays are suffering from stress because they establish a taxing goal, so they need to take a rest. Stress has a much effect on people’s mental health. When people are stressed, they might lose enthusiasm and start experiencing physical problems as well. If they aim for ambitious dreams, then they would end up feeling anxious and frustrated. For example, when I was a high school student, I attended multiple private academics to enter the school that requires high grades in school works and in the college entrance test. school to require high grades. While I studied hard to achieve purpose, I got some skin troubles and health problems due to academic stress. If I had set a realistic goal, I would have kept myself healthy. This example amply demonstrates that having a realistic goal is much better than having ambitious dreams.
l 예시에서 그때의 성적으로 좋은 학교를 가는 것이 ambitious dream 이었다는 점을 밝히는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 문단의 첫문장에 요즘 사람들이 stress를 받는다는 것으로 시작하기 보다는 이루기 힘든 ambitious 꿈을 꾼다면 스트레스를 더 많이 받게된다고 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같습니다.
Through the two reasons presented above, I strongly believe that my argument has been effectively delivered. Concrete examples from real life have compelled me to take the aforementioned stance.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
전반적인 이유는 좋지만 그 이유가 정확하게 서술되어 있는 것 같지가 않습니다. 각 body paragraph의 첫문장을 대게 이유statement로 쓰는 데, 이 에세이의 경우 이유가 정확하게 표현되는 것 같지가 않습니다. 좀 더 확실하게 이유를 수정하는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 예시부분에서도 예시가 이유와 토픽을 잘 support할 수 있도록 조금 더 설명을 붙이는 것도 좋을 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다.