There is an old saying in Korean: that 'education is the basis of everything'. This means that education is are influential to our lives, although some people think that there are other important things for developing country. I would strongly contend that improving curriculum of schools is the best way to advance a country for following reasons. (although의 문장이 뒤의 I would~ 문장과 이어지는 것이 좀 더 논리적일 것 같습니다. 교육이 중요하다는 내용을 쓴 후에 이러한 주장이 있지만 내 주장은 이러하다~ 라고 쓰는 편이 좀 더 although 구문의 활용이 적합해요.)
To begin with, developing education system can uncover various aptitudes that students never knew they had. The A number of students are under a lot of pressure to get better grade and enter the good university. In this process, they are inclined to miss chance to delve into the issues that can lends helping hand in directing many aspects of developing country, such as economy or sociality. (문장이 너무 장황하고 정확한 의미전달이 안됩니다. 좀 더 간결하게 to the point로 수정하는 것이 좋을 것 같아요) If schools discover their honing potential that might have been covered, it is possible for their country to make diversity of society members through scouting many talented people who have creative idea. Improved curriculum of a profession high school of Internet in Korea makes students have more different various and unique jobs, like programmer or Internet site website designers. (밑줄 친 부분의 의미전달이 안됩니다. 명사와 명사가 나란히 올 수 없습니다.) These students have powerful effective to their same ages as well as entire society. (powerful은 형용사이기 때문에 명사를 수식하는 게 일반적입니다. Effective 역시 형용사이기 때문에 문법적으로 어색합니다. 수정해주세요.)
In addition, in the globalized society, advancing school courses is essential for reducing students' unemployment. Since similar education courses are not good for overcoming fierce competition, curriculum system of familiar with global can strengthen their capability in global companies and learn a lot of assets of them. (주어와 동사의 쓰임이 잘 맞지 않고, 정확한 의미전달도 되지 않고 있습니다. 수정이 필요해요)Therefore it would be contributed to country's development. My country can be an example of reasons. Samsung, one of the Korean globalized companies, always want people having ever been who accept new challenges and had special experience. According to Samsung’s record of employments, experiencing experienced people are not only likely to become more socially aware and considerate but also devote for society. This clearly indicates that students graduated with undergoing globalized education can support to advance a country.
To sum up, I believe my explanations above sufficiently prove that developed schools are beneficial for the country. Obviously, the significance of schools cannot be overemphasized enough. Are you still thinking that advanced schools are indispensable?
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
전반적인 에세이가 너무 장황합니다. 간략하게 필요한 point만 적어도 좋을 것 같습니다. 에세이의 흐름은 좋지만 주장과 이유를 설명하는 내용이 정확하게 표현되지 않아서 전체적인 에세이가 무슨 말을 하고자 하는지 파악하기가 어렵습니다. 좀 더 확실하게 이유를 서술하고 표현하면 좋을 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다.