Although there is no official consensus on this topic statement, I side with the argument that after graduation from high school, students should take a year off to travel or work before going to the university. In this essay, I will provide two reasons to espouse my point of view.
First, traveling helps students to improve students` their moods and, eventually, makes them feel happier. The hectic pace of day-to-day life puts high school students all at risk, as they become overwhelmed by homework. This can be distressing enough to make them feel rundown and gloomy. Thus, traveling after graduation from high school, should be given serious consideration in this context. For example, I was tied up at high school, which often made me feel suffocated. While I was studying, I needed to maintain good terms with my teachers and classmates. This often left me feel completely drained by the end of the day. Like my relatives, I tried to ease the tension and stress by traveling to foreign counties after graduating from high school. These activities made me feel calmer and distanced myself from routine stresses. Furthermore, they could help (목적어) to prepare myself to face the following day in university.
In addition, traveling enables high school students to build and solidify their relationships with others. Because of their struggles to keep up with the demand of society, they set aside little time to interact with family and friends. This can make high school students feel estranged from them. (them이 지칭하는 대상이 애매합니다. 정확하게 서술하는 게 좋을 것 같아요) As an activity, traveling brings them into a setting where they can spend quality time together, thus acting as an effective way of reviving these relationships. (As an activity는 불필요한 부분인 것 같습니다. 그리고 여행이 bring them into a setting 이라고 하는 것 보다는 좋은 환경을 만들어준다 set up 해준다는 표현이 좀 더 좋을 것 같아요.) Therefore, taking a year off to travel after graduating from high school should be highly valued. The Economist (2013), a London-based publication, indicated that more than sixty percent of the surveyed students wanted to sustain with friends through traveling to diverse countries during a year before going to the university. Moreover, the respondents who experienced traveling during a year before going to university stated that by traveling to various countries, they have found a way to mingle with other people in their lives and become closer to them. In fact, there has been a substantial rise in the number of students who build good rapport with their high school friends through traveling together after graduation from high school.
In conclusion, taking off a year to travel after graduation from high school should be highly regarded. These experiences can help students to become the people they wish to be: people who can escape from depressed moods and a feeling of isolation.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Good (23-30)
전반적으로 문법적인 실수도 거의 없고 내용의 흐름도 좋아서 끊김 없이 잘 읽히는 에세이 입니다. 다양한 어휘의 활용도 좋고 문장구조도 다양합니다. 하지만 조금 장황한 부분이 있습니다. 문장을 너무 길게 쓰려고 하는 것 보다는 concise하고 to-the-point로 쓰는 게 읽기도 편하고 의미전달도 정확해서 좋습니다. ‘they’나 ‘them 등을 활용할 때는 지칭하는 대상이 정확하도록 해주시는 게 좋습니다.
수고하셨습니다.