Young people enjoy life more than older people
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There has been heated debate over the argument that young people enjoy life more than older people. I am in complete agreement with this argument. There are two major reasons why I think so: to have less responsibilities and to be more energetic.
First, young people (can enjoy life better because they) have less responsibilities than older people, who have to nourish their family. Children, on the other hand, Young people have few responsibilities except for study at their schools. As a result, they have more free time and can to enjoy their life more pleasantly with less stress. My personal experience is a prime example. When I was a an elementary school student, I spent spend most of my time at the playground of my school with my classmates. I used to play football, which made me happy. However, my father could not enjoy his pastime because he had to do a lot of work works, which made him exhausted by the smallest issues. He wanted to take a rest sometimes but it was difficult for him because he ought to support his family. In this sense, children enjoy their life more than older people. 적절한 내용의 idea와 설명입니다. 다만 내가 설명하고 싶은 부분이 '책임'인지 '시간'인지를 명확하게 해 주시면 더 좋을 것 같아요. 책임으로 인해 시간이 있어도 즐기지 못한다는 뉘앙스인지, 말 그대로 시간여유 자체가 차이가 있는 것인지를 명확하게 해 준다면 전달력이 더 높아지겠지요.
Second, with more energy and good physical condition, health, children young people can enjoy their life more than olders. It is difficult for older people to spare their time for other activities on exercise because of their lots of responsibilities. Their lives are full of works, such as taking care of their children, working at their workplace and so on. Their hectic lifestyles make them exhausted and unhealthy. However, children tend to have more energy and good physical health because they don't need to spend their time on hardworking. 책임감과 시간에 대한 이야기는 body1에서 설명한 부분이므로 반복하지 않는 것이 좋습니다. 현재 문단의 초점은 '신체적 조건'에 맞춰져야 합니다. 기본적으로 older people보다 젊은이들이 훨씬 더 신체적인 조건이 좋다는 점은 모두가 수긍하는 사실이므로 이 부분을 풀어서 설명할 것이 아니라 enjoy life하는 데 있어 체력이 필요하다는 점을 appeal하는 부분이 필요하겠지요. The only thing things they have to do is are playing on the ground and studying a little amount of time at their schools. In a recent survey carried out by Harvard university, nearly two thirds of respondents who are grown-ups said that they were able to enjoy their life more when they were children. The majority of people argued that it was difficult for them to enjoy their lives as they did when they were young because they used to be exhausted by a large amount of works in today’s hectic society.
'young people'과 'children'은 의미하는 바가 다릅니다. 10대후반-30대의 젊은 세대를 생각하시는 게 더 적절합니다. 아이들과 어른을 비교하는 것이 아니기 때문에 논점을 분명히 해야 합니다.
In conclusion, I believe young people children enjoy their life more than the old olders not only because they have less responsibilities and have more energy.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–22)
아이와 어른이 아니라 젊은층과 노년층을 비교하는 문제에 가깝습니다. 논제 파악과 관련한 채점항목이 있는 만큼 키워드도 꼼꼼하게 확인해서 답안 작성해주세요. 두 body내용이 겹치는 부분들이 생기면 논리면에서 좋지 않습니다. 두 body가 분명하게 구분되는 내용으로 전개될 수 있도록 다듬어주세요. 채점기준 항목별로 어떤 부분을 더 보완해야 할지 생각해보면서 검토하시면 도움이 되실 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!