During the hours spent in a school, teachers are responsible for teaching many different fields of knowledge to students and thus help them to be more enlightened in the future. Today, as self-confidence is known to be one of the important factors for a person, it is now a controversial issue whether it should be a thing for a teacher to help students with. I personally disagree with the statement that teachers should help students gain self confidence than to teach them specific knowledge. This is because experiencing many subjects by learning specific knowledge is very important for students, as well as self-confidence is an aspect that can be learned even from outside of schools. ( good ! intro 구문이 좋습니다. 그리고 주제문으로 좁혀가는것 ! )
To start off with, the most significant reason for a student to go to a school is because they can experience different fields of subjects. By gaining specific knowledge of diverse subjects, students can more easily decide which field of area they would like to study or work more on for the rest of their lives. For example, according to the survey conducted by a Ministry of Career of Korea, 72% of people who participated in the survey have answered that they decided what they wanted to do as their jobs during the high school year. In other words, time spent in school was the most important period that helped them to choose their jobs in the future. By teaching students specific knowledge on many subjects, teachers can help them to be more determined about their future. ( 잡을 decide해야하기 때문에 여러 field의 과목을 배워야 한다? 맞습니다. 하지만 주장이 뒷받침되는걸 좀 더 focus해보세요. 왜 여러가지 subject를 경험해야 하는지 ( self-confidence보다 ) 겉에 있는 사실들만 갖고 주장을 뒷받침 하려 보입니다. 설득력이 부족 합니다.///
Furthermore, self-confidence is a skill that can be learned from outside of school. Students, when they are not in schools, spend their time with family and friends who can always help them to gain more of confidence. Because it is impossible to force or to teach self-confidence, it is more effective for students themselves to achieve them during their time with especially with parents who can show their love and support and thus enhance their children’s self-confidence.
For example, my cousin, who is now a very successful CEO, has parents who were really supportive and always tried to increase his self-confidence by listening to him and agreeing to his ideas since when he was very young. As a result, my cousin was always the one who was filled with self-confidence, not because he learned it from school but because his parents have worked hard for him to be so. Thus, school doesn’t need to provide hours for teachers to ineffectively teach students to gain self-confidence. Instead, it( It 에 대해 다시 한번 짚어 주세요) spending time ~~~~~ will be more valuable time for students to acquire many knowledge from their teachers in school. ( 문장을 최대한 직접적이게 바로 주장이 보일수 있게 )
Some might say that self-confidence is the most essential thing for a person to survive in this harsh society. However, considering how teaching specific knowledge can significantly help students to be more determined about their future and also how spending time to teach self-confidence is ineffective and time-wasting, it is undeniable how teachers should teach specific knowledge in schools than to help students gain self-confidence in schools. ( good )
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
-입장을 뒷받침하기에 적절한 idea를 명확하게 잘 드러내고 있고, 논리적인 설명으로 풀어낸 부분들이 아주 좋습니다
- 정확한 idea는 좋지만 적절하게 supporing해주세요
-intro 와 conclusion부분 좋습니다.
body에서 좀 더 설득력있게 글이 될 수 있도록 연습 해주세요
- 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!