Most people buy products not based on their needs. They buy because others already have them.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Currently, being unable to follow the most recent trend has become such a huge shame to the vast majority of people. In order to reach the very trendy point, a large number of people inevitably face the necessity to buy commodities which are not even needed. Therefore, it would be safe to say that people nowadays buy things because others have them already and the fear of being outdated and their quality is surely guaranteed.
To begin with, people, especially the youth, are prone to buy products in order to keep themselves up to the most current trend even if they do not need the commodities. For instance, there are certain products that are often described to sensationally follow the fashion, such as the clothes and the beauty products. These are very crucial in terms of the person’s outfit, which is considered enormously significant recently. Hence, not having such vogue-sensitive wares would bring to the person a big depreciation. 유행을 따르고자 하는 욕구를 지적한 점이 좋습니다. 다만 이 내용이 <다른 사람들이 가지고 있어서>라는 논제의 설명과 연결될 수 있어야 합니다. 단순히 유행을 따르는 것을 좋아하기 때문이다, 라고만 설명한다면 오히려 반박하는 내용이 될 수 있지요. 다른 사람들이 가진 것을 나도 가져야 한다고 느끼는 부분에 대해서 좀 더 구체적인 서술을 풀어내도 좋을 것 같아요. 뒷부분의 사례 내용에서 언급한 부분처럼 오늘날 트렌드에 맞추지 못하는 사람이 되기 싫은 심리나, 남들이 다 하는 걸 자기도 따라야 한다고 느끼는 심리 등을 강조해볼 수도 있고요. I, for example, buy many things in order to keep up with the trend although I am not an impulse-shopper. Since my friends all have the similar kind of products in terms of trend, I cannot help myself buying just not to fall out of the society. If I had not bought them, I would have felt feel huge depression caused by the feeling of loss for not being one of the community, because the atmosphere makes people think so.
Second of all, that many others already possess the product means that the quality of the product has been proved. It is safe to say that people want to spend their valuable money on goods that are high quality, to not not to waste any money. Therefore, the fact that a great number of people are using the product is very appealing to the potential consumers. It grants them the subtle feeling that they will be more satisfied with buying it than other products by purchasing the ones, since the former has proven their quality by being used by majority. It follows that, consumers choose chose to purchase mainly because others possess even if they base on their needs for a certain commodity. For instance, my mother and her friends share their idea of a lot of products when they are trying to buy new kitchen wares. Each of them suggests their own thoughts on the products they currently use at home, and based on it, my mother and her friends consume new goods. 필요 없는 물건을 사는 것의 이유가 아니라 남들이 많이 사는 물건을 사는 이유에 대해 설명하고 있으므로 논점에 맞지 않는 내용입니다. 현재문단은 오히려 필요한 물건을 살 때 남들이 많이 산 물건을 고른다는 경향을 설명하는 것에 가깝습니다. 논제가 묻는 내용을 다시 점검해보시고 방향에 맞도록 논지를 다듬어주세요.
In conclusion, the society has become so harsh these days that no one even dares to fall a little apart from its most general norm. Hence, the desire to follow up with the trends in order not to be an outsider has also become more robust, which reinforced consumers’ need towards the trend and the goods that are already being used world-wide. Therefore, it is an obvious fact that people buy things mostly because other people have them also for its guaranteed quality.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–21)
글을 전개하는 과정에서 흐름이 어긋나지 않도록 유의해주세요. 사람들이 꼭 필요한 것이 아닌데도 소비하는 이유를 '다른 사람들이 가지고 있어서'라는 논제 내용에서 단순히 '다른 사람들'에만 초점을 두면 논점으 어긋날 수 있습니다. '필요하지 않은 물건인데도' 남들이 가지고 있을 때 사게 되는 현상 자체를 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 흔히 peer pressure나 첫 문단에서 사용한 trend를 따르고자 하는 욕구를 생각해볼 수 있지요. 문단의 unity와 문제와의 coherence에 중점을 두고 적절하게 흐름만 다듬어주셔도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!